In my previous post I covered 10 movies distributed by Singa Home Entertainment. I did not give them any ratings because I was recommending them and felt they were all worth watching ... for whatever reason. So here are some movies that didn't make the cut - but I will provide ratings for these, that I hope will give some sense of how close or far they were from making the original list. The second part of today's post goes back further, when I had mentioned Birthrite (2008) with the intent of watching it someday. And the final part ... is a surprise! (Don't expect too much though.) First Time Caller (2001) An unassuming Canadian rom-com. The story is very simple: A recently-made single man starts calling a late-night radio talk show to bemoan his relationship woes to the female host. It ain't massively funny, more just mildly comic. But it's still pretty watchable. Decent dialogue and good chemistry are where this film shines. It has some great music in it too. Could have done with a more complex plot, but this is just a small criticism; clearly it's supposed to be character rather than plot based. It's more in the dialogue than the goings-on - with their warmth and attraction slowly building over the course of the movie. It's sweet. The romance factor of a faceless, but familiar voice. And that point when an innocent flirtation turns not-so-innocent. Et cetera. It's fairly good for its small scale. A decent effort. 14/20 Losers of the Year (2005) The story is pretty standard high school fare; basically an unattractive teen gets a makeover in an attempt to get the popular girl. Obstacles include his overprotective mother and his friends who see the change in him. Credit's where it's due - the lead actor has plenty of spunk and really gets you to invest in the story. A horribly unconvincing black curly wig is purported to be his character's natural hair... it's very offputting, but in order to get ANY enjoyment out of the film you really just have to try and go along with it. Which becomes a running motif throughout the film. The protagonist's father only makes a brief appearance at the end - but he looks too young for the part. His casting, as well as the Brian May wig, were but two odd choices made in the production. But it does have a really good soundtrack, full of early 2000s pop-punk and similar stuff, which redeems the film somewhat. Otherwise it's pretty generic and forgettable. 10.5/20 Big Bry's Western Style BBQ (2006) This one's a bit of a departure, as it's not a feature-length drama. Bry is clearly knowledgeable and has strong ideas about barbecuing - none of which I disagree with. He does forego store-bought briquettes and woodchip in favor of gathered oak branches and paper bags/newspaper. While it might be a hassle, I can get onboard with this. If there was one thing I take objection to, it's his overuse of beer as a flavoring agent. You'll see lots of Moosehead lager in this. Clearly there was a business relationship here. He isn't the most charismatic host. But that's hardly a priority. The background music also might be grating to some - I however quite liked its pervading presence. On a similar note, all the spelling mistakes and bad grammar only add to the charm of this production. I tried his recipe for potato salad, and it was good potato salad. I don't know what more to say. 14/20 Oil & Water (2006) A rom-com about the clash between a veteran TV newsman and his new co-star, a popular, feisty gossip columnist. I guess the most obvious thing to begin with is the huge age gap between our lead and co-lead. She's too young and beautiful for him. It might have been easier on the audience if his character was portrayed more like a Larry King figure. But he's not. Their mutual animosity apparently is really just sexual tension - but it is just about impossible to get onboard with this. (And she isn't the only one attracted to him either!) The comedy is supposed to lie in a clash of personalities. However, writer/director/star Peter LaVilla's comedic chops are non-existent. His comic timing and delivery is almost autistic in its badness (sorry, autistic people). But if Rain Man had gone to Vegas not for the casinos but to perform at a comedy show, it wouldn't be far off from Peter LaVilla's performance. Co-star Rosemary Gore is lightyears better - and she's easy on the eye too. She really does much to salvage the picture, helping make the end result much more watchable. In spite of all the film's flaws, there is still something enjoyable here. Difficult to put my finger on what, exactly. He's creepy, but adorably creepy. It really is too much of an ask for the audience to buy that she would be interested in him, but you do want to root for them to get together. The humor is hardly funny per se, but I find it perfectly charming. I think I can see some potential in the writing. 11.5/20 A Christmas Too Many (2007) I have a morbid fascination with unfunny comedy. Not with painful stuff like most of Adam Sandler's output, but with low-budget stuff that relies more on writing and dialogue. It often feels very formulaic. It's like indie filmmakers are focused too much on in-theory and not enough on in-practice. Timing is everything in comedy. And a bad joke hangs around like a fart in a lift. Basically there is a craft to editing footage and audio to maximize the funniness of a gag. Amateurs would likely forego this artistry in favor of shoving in as many gags as possible, whether good, bad, or mediocre (basically quantity over quality). Whether or not the actors can sell it becomes a matter of chance. This film is wacky without being funny. Basically it is about an aging Hollywood star having a Christmas get-together with her crazy cast of children and grandchildren. (Incidentally, Gary Coleman of Diff'rent Strokes fame makes an appearance in this.) All I care about is whether or not there is entertainment to be had. I found this film pretty watchable despite its unfunniness. I wish I could articulate why. 12/20 If you've seen the trailer or read a synopsis you'll know what's in store. Essentially it is a psychological thriller-suspense-horror about a pretty, young woman being held captive in redneck country by a mentally deficient man-child and his insane mother. It doesn't break the mold, but it's watchable nonetheless. It offers a few tense, exciting thrills, though not anywhere near the scale of any of your big name franchises or anything. So don't go expecting too much! Beautifully shot in the bayous of rural Arkansas, it does feel a tad monotonous visually - however there is enough movement in the plot for it not to get too suffocating (I would say "kinda like Misery", but I don't want to unrealistically raise your expectations!). 11/20 During the time of my last-but-one post I couldn't find a copy of Birthrite (2008) to watch anywhere. I ended up ordering the DVD from Ebay for a total of $42.00 USD! Shipping was taking FOREVER, and after chasing it up with the courier I was told they had completely lost it(!) and to contact the seller for a refund. My last hope was the sole other copy on Ebay ... but this seller refused to ship outside the US. Even after asking nicely! So I was resigned to the fact I would never get to see this film. Then it arrived. Over two months shipping! But it was effectively free, so I'm not complaining. So why am I telling you this? Well in the duration of this saga I had an urge that apparently couldn't be sated. One small way to help ease the annoyance, I felt, was to watch the wholly unrelated Birth Rite (2003) instead. So here is my review: Birth Rite (2003) A supernatural horror about a young woman who is told by a mysterious man that she is a witch. Birth Rite is nearing the edge of entering so-bad-it's-good territory. But it just feels too slow-moving, the story is irredeemably bland, and to top it all off it has a deus ex machina ending. There are some funny moments, and the dialogue is as cheesy as it gets... it is undoubtedly campy fun, but the amount of it that there is in the whole 82 minutes feels too insufficient and stretched thin. I was not a Buffy or Twilight fan so this was never going to be my cup of tea, however good or bad the film. But from the trailer I was expecting to enjoy it way more than I did (in spite of it being aimed at youngish female audiences). There looked to be enough drama and action to make it interesting. In reality though, there's not nearly a satisfying degree of either. What little there is, is sorta ok - in particular the martial arts stuntwork towards the end is a highlight, and the best part of the film for me is the schlocky kills (though of course there ain't a big number of them). But the drama never progresses. I couldn't get invested in the main character because the conflict between her humanity and witchiness was not conveyed effectively. She sort of switches nonchalantly - there's no real battle going on there. This thread does reach a dramatic climax in the final act, but the ending (as mentioned before) is just too cop-outish. Overall, really not worth watching in my opinion. Just watch the trailer - it literally has ALL the best parts of the movie condensed down into a couple minutes. 7/20 UPDATE: Ok, so like a day after posting this I decided to check my bank statements and PayPal account ... and it turns out the $42 refund never came in! I'm obviously not going to chase up the ebayer about it now. But I am annoyed.
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The name may mean nothing to you, but in the mid 2000s if you were an indie filmmaker down to your last penny, there's a good chance you may have ended up with the Singa website distributing your movie for you, and ultimately getting it seen. For Singa, DVD was king. It was a very convenient format for them, for the filmmaker, and for the buyer. But they didn't only distribute movies - they also produced them, working with their long-term partner Echelon Studios (with whom they had an exclusivity deal) to make ultra low-budget pictures, as well as market them. On the website were hundreds of little-known titles that you would literally never find anywhere else. It was not unoften the case that the only info on the web about a title would be found there. Just the name, a picture, and a brief synopsis. It was basically like buying from a catalog. (They did also sell "normal titles" - but we are of course less interested in them!) The DVDs for sale weren't often produced in mass numbers - so count yourself lucky if you do own one ... as badly designed & printed as it may be. The natural evolution towards VOD would put a premature end to this business model. But for a sizable proportion of people, mid 2000s low-budget independent films are synonymous with Singa. I recommend the following 10 releases as particularly worth watching: Broke (2006) Cubes (2006) Depraved (1996) Drop Box (2006) Futile Attraction (2005) Pool Party (2007) Reality & Stuff (2003) The Socratic Method (2001) To Kill a Mockumentary (2004) Tropix (2004) Broke Four high-schoolers have decided upon a road trip to Canada. It is cut short when their vehicle is damaged severely. Having only barely enough cash to make the trip, the BROKE teenagers come up with various schemes to help pay for their BROKE(N) minivan. While it might not seem fitting to describe the humor as "sharp", there are definitely many inspired moments that show promise. The gags mostly fall flat ... but it's hard not to be charmed by the enthusiastic young crew. The extremely bare-bones nature of the production does also bring its own entertainment - not in a so-bad-it's-good way, but more in a heartening and inspirational DIY way. In this way the cheapo dollar-store improvised effects become an asset to the film. The end result is not a high quality product by any stretch of the imagination, lacking much of the entertainment of its obvious influences. The film's biggest fault is it doesn't feel like there's a very coherent plot thread; the stakes don't progress to a strong climax, and it feels more like a series of events than a beginning-middle-end story. Basically an excuse to shove in as many gags as possible. Not that I felt it to be grating - just contrived. In spite of all this, it's hard not to like the moxie of aspiring young talent. The DVD is pretty cool too, featuring director/cast commentary, a behind-the-scenes feature, and lots of cut material. Cubes Office cubicle workers come and go over a period of time. One of these is Laurie, whose life is turned upside down when her boyfriend - who also works at the same office (for a time) - dumps her. A sweet low-budget indie (in particular the messages of thanks during the credits have plenty of heart and charm). There are clear character archetypes, there are juicy dialogues, there's the minutiae of everyday work-life - with human nature emphasized, and human feelings empathized ... and all never leaving the office environment. Office politics are played out not in a social way, but in a one-to-one (or sexual) way. The setting consists essentially of an office cubicle, focusing on two workers sharing the space. Once their story is done we move forward in time and one of them is now away, and a new worker has arrived. This repeats, and over the course of about a year there are six of these relationships. It is a character-based story, with just a hint of a plot tying the saga together. It'd make a great stage play. You'd only need one set. There's six "scenes" which would split neatly into two acts. The humorous moments would also work better with the actors over-emoting for the audience, and having more intimacy between us and them. As a feature-length film though, it's not funny enough to be a comedy. Nor meaty enough to be a drama. But neither the terms 'comedy-drama' nor 'dramedy' seem fitting. There is definitely an emotional journey, and there is enough amusement to hold interest and to entertain - but it is just hard to classify this film. I liked it though. Depraved Dan and Ophelia have a sex life rich in fantasy. Things change however when he is no longer able to reach orgasm. After a vicious argument, Dan sobers up in the morning only to find Ophelia stabbed in the abdomen. After his brother Jessie offers to help deal with the situation, Monica, a psychiatrist and friend of Ophelia's, also becomes embroiled with Dan's affairs. This has all the cliches of the erotic thriller. Direct-to-video. Made in the '90s. Sax music. A mysterious blonde playing psychologist. If you had told a supercomputer, "Create for me an erotic thriller", Depraved is what it will spit out. It will even have the decency to record it onto VHS and demand you watch it on a CRT in all its 4:3 glory (and in the dark so as to not alert your parents). But this is not to imply that Depraved is overly generic, bland, or devoid of character. Which it is to some extent - but I nevertheless still felt entertained right to the end. The sex scenes are decent. Not too cringe. As tasteful as can be expected. Seidy Lopez is also incredibly sexy. The story isn't particularly gripping, rather it's just allowed to unfold ... with some flashback sequences - but not to a detrimental extent. All in all, it's okay for what it is. Quotes: Ophelia: You tried to make love on your birthday. You got a little hard but then you didn't cum, Dan! I checked the fucking condom, okay?! And there was nothing in there! It was your birthday so I didn't want to argue with you, so there, "Happy Birthday". Dan: Well that's great. That's just dandy! What are you now - the Sperm Police now?! Drop Box Tom, a video store clerk, has a female customer pestering him about the store's Glitter VHS that she desperately needs. Why does she want it so badly? A charming, unassuming little picture. On par with - and perhaps better in certain ways than - Clerks. This has a lot to do with the engaging self-assuredness the lead actor brings to the role. His character is oftentimes unlikable ... yet he manages to remain appealing. I suppose he's comparable to Clerks' Randal Graves but toned down a bit. The supporting main cast are also pretty good for an indie flick. Being set in one place the entire film, it doesn't get suffocating. In part to do with the length (it's at a neat, trim 1 hour 15 mins), but mostly it's because of the writing. There's a laser focus on the two main characters, with their mutual hostility gradually softening over the course of the film. The story is simple but the different key events and goings-on helped keep me invested. If you liked Clerks and want more, then this will fill a hole. If you like Canadian "versions" of American titles, then this will be a cute one to add to your library. And what if you're neither? Then I would still recommend. Futile Attraction Filmed doco style, we follow a crew as they film a reality show about a young man and woman brought together by a dating service. Sharing nothing in common, Germaine, a model, is a new-agey environmental activist, while Randal, a telemarketer, is a nerdy mummy's boy obsessed with phones. Dudley Earnsworth is the smug washed-up host who tries his best to interfere with events to get the footage he needs. It's reasonably well-acted overall, and the script is fairly good. It ain't amazingly funny - but it's funny enough. And it's a real treat to see another film from New Zealand as I've not seen that many. The production is decent and fair. Never are you as the audience punished by the minuscule indie budget. The characters are comical; although playing stereotypical caricatures, the two leads bring their own chemistry and screen presence. Without having very much to their acting credits, they've brought a great deal to enhance the witty, delicate observational humor of the script. Impressive stuff. For the film's unpretentious, modest scale, I found it pleasant, watchable, and full of NZ charm. Pool Party Matt's boss Richard doesn't think much of him. He's given one last reprieve when Richard offers him the responsibility of house-sitting for him while he's away. Matt thinks he'll use the opportunity for quiet study to prepare for his upcoming bar exam. Things however don't go to plan when Richard's son and daughter, forbidden from coming round and using the pool, do precisely that. Zany mindless fun. It's a film that doesn't take itself too seriously - to put it mildly - and never purports to be anything other than a goofy, exploitative, whimsical distraction. The humor is low-brow. The plot is farcical. The boobies are ... there. I had a blast with this piece of debauched buffoonery. I found it fun and enjoyable. It perhaps isn't riotous, but it's amusing and engaging at the very least. There's one or two moments of distractingly bad ADR. And I don't understand why the Laverne & Shirley parody song couldn't have followed the melody better. But the film still works. For me at least. What can I say? Hot chicks and crude humor aren't inherently bad. And if they are? Sue me. Reality & Stuff A bunch of strangers are brought together for a reality TV show. It doesn't go to plan for the show's directors ... who then stir things up in an attempt to get more drama out of the contestants. I don't know how well this reflects reality, but it seems to me that in the mid 2000s so many indie filmmakers were making mockumentaries. They're so cheap and easy; no need to labor over crafting a plot, you can shoot any place, and all the dialogue can be ad-libbed. A good storyteller can entertain no matter the medium ... but I think mockumentaries do in particular invite laziness. This one is fairly well done and put together, and I appreciate the skill that's gone into it. The subject matter may not be that interesting to me, but it's ok I guess. So here, we have an extra layer. A great deal of the film treats us as the audience of the in-universe reality show 'Too Real For TV', with the mockumentary aspect pushed a little into the background. This allows the main bulk of the cast to do their thing - and their improv comedy chops are evident and present. But perhaps the most skill, ease, confidence and chemistry in this area is displayed by the two director/producer characters played by Brian Huskey and Michael Delaney. This is unsurprising, as they are the most seasoned and talented improv comics here, both being notable members of the Upright Citizens Brigade - Delaney having taught UCB in long form improv, and Huskey going on to appear in VEEP (and looking unrecognizable from his character in said series). However the final result doesn't have much in the way of a very complex story - there is more plot in half an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm than there is in this entire improvised film. It's clear the makers were hoping the premise of the set-up would've itself been compelling enough to carry the movie. But it feels sorely missing in something. It's kinda mildly diverting and pretty amusing in places, but the unsophistication of the "plot" really takes away much entertainment value. Having said all this, it still has curiosity value. If re-cut, and tightened up for pacing, with the humorous moments more rapid-fire, we'd end up with a better quality product. Alas what we have here is a rather nonessential offering. Which is frustrating, as I so wanted to like this more. The Socratic Method Terry King, Susan Walsh, and Charles Johnson are three first-year law students. Terry is a college graduate who only applied to law school to prolong having to face the real world. Susan has had aspirations of becoming a lawyer from a very early age, and plans on joining her father's law firm alongside her fiance. Charles knows instinctively that law school doesn't prepare you a job in law, and intends on getting a headstart with some work experience. I have a keen interest in legal terminology and law in general. Well, "keen" is perhaps overstating it. But I probably know a bit more about law than the average layman. Well, this is perhaps overstating it. In any case I find law simultaneously fascinating and inscrutable. A subject I'm glad I never studied in school - as having to read such a dry subject would have been so stultifying as to put me off anything to do with law for the rest of my life. The point of all this is, I'm perhaps not the best person to give an unbiased opinion. This is a law student's film (in the same way Inside Out is a psychology student's film IMHO). Not that it ever gets too heavy or academic for the average joe, but the setting of a law school will probably cater more to audiences with an actual interest in law. You don't have to be non compos mentis to watch this, but it certainly helps. Or be a master of mens rea. ANYWAY... This of course ain't A Few Good Men so it contains none of the great speeches and turnarounds that I would normally wish for in a legal drama. So what does it offer if it's not, per se, a legal drama? Well it's more of a comic-toned drama about (law) students. That said, it's never laugh-out-loud funny or anything, and the stakes are only as low-key as 'I might fail the final' or 'I might work at a firm I don’t want to', but that's not to say it isn't that entertaining. At first glance it may appear episodic, but this is not the case; the three main characters are tightly-knit and their lives interweave as we journey through the year. Their individual stories may be a little pedestrian, but it's still a charming little journey - and film. Definitely I recommend this to law students (after My Cousin Vinny, among others). It may help consolidate learning of such basic first-year stuff as consideration in contracts, torts, and other lingo. For lay people, there is still much entertainment value to be had. It's very well made indeed for an independent picture. Well written. Well acted. Well done! To Kill a Mockumentary A mockumentary following the process of an improvised cop film getting produced. Characters include an at-odds brother-sister duo, a veteran actress with a drug problem, a minimalist production designer, and a pretty-boy actor who's as self-important and cocky as he is vain. I've already talked about this film in a previous post. Let it be said, I am terribly biased when it comes to this movie. I am fond of it. Yet I continue to have mixed feelings. I appreciate the comedy. Yes I know the gags are lame, and their execution not good, and therefore by all measures it ought to fail as a comedy. What I'm saying is ... I am amused enough by the ideas contained within. The jokes don't "fall flat" to me precisely, rather I can see them as technically funny, but maybe not ... in-practice funny. It's like I never feel as though I'm putting up with horrible poorly-conceived jokes that don't land - rather I remain absorbed and stimulated by the goings-on. Mild amusement, I guess you can call it. The dialogue is often unnatural. The acting is patchy - occasionally it's fine, other times it immediately demolishes any illusion of reality. Any illusion of postmodern metadrama, meanwhile, is put to bed by the unsophistication of the writing and the crazy cast of characters. All said, it is a movie that doesn't take itself too seriously, not in the least bit. I actually used to own the DVD. It was a poorly designed thing, looking cheap and nasty. I thought so little of the rare gem that it had gotten lost after a house move. It's likely in a landfill by now. But I have since watched the film online many times and have come to appreciate it in spite of its flaws. It grew on me. Now I'd give anything to own a physical copy again. Tropix After a traumatic car accident, Corinne is now flying to Costa Rica with her husband Guy. Their romantic holiday is cut short when they're kidnapped by a trio of criminals. We quickly discover that the somewhat shady Guy knows who his captors are. Corinne meanwhile is taken to an isolated jungle hut, where she is kept on watch by Nicky. After convincing him to untie her, she attempts to get a message out to Guy - but this does not turn out well... .
The opening act promises a lot of excitement, but the middle act slows things down somewhat. This was however necessary for the softening of captor-captive relationship to be a bit more believable; and in any case, Corinne already escapes by the midpoint of the movie anyway and it swiftly picks up again. The story is gripping, with a guessing game of questionable loyalties and motives - and while romantic developments do stretch credulity a little, I was totally willing to go along with it and enjoy the ride. So it's a fairly decent exotic crime adventure - with a touch of romance (and smidgen of sex) - all delivered with an agreeable black humor. It's hip, it's sexy, it's full of twists and turns, and the tropical environs of Costa Rica are certainly easy on the eye. An incredible achievement for an indie flick shot on a shoestring budget. Featuring no names worthy of much note, the biggest perhaps being Danielle Bisutti (Corinne) a TV bit-part actress now doing videogame voiceovers, Tropix is skillfully made and pretty impressive. Blu-ray vs HD-DVD was the last format war. And by "last" I don't mean the last one to have happened - I mean the last ever physical media format war there will be. It completely passed me by. In fact, I didn't even learn of HD-DVD's existence until a couple years ago. I never saw the point of upgrading to Blu-ray, and never will. But that's all by the by. As a consequence of studios taking sides, there were quite many movies that were HD-DVD exclusives. But this number has dwindled over the years, and only a handful remain. Excluding concert or music releases, they are: Channels (2008); Rain in the Mountains (2007); Carlito’s Way: Rise to Power (2005); and Birthrite (2008). There might possibly be more, but after all my research this was all I could find. Birthrite has been mentioned on forums like Blu-ray.com and AVSForum as a rare, collectible title, almost holy grail status. I was skeptical of its existence, seeing as the film was only a little indie production whose DVD release was just on DVD-Rs. So I reached out to producer/director Mark Maness to get to the bottom of it. He said it was a very limited run of 10 HD-DVD discs, for himself mainly. So basically, unlike the others, it wasn't a mass produced HD-DVD, and therefore I'll exclude it. So that's 3 or 4 pieces of feature-length drama that you can only get a physical hi def copy of on HD-DVD (a dead format) and not Blu-ray (a dying format). What kudos that would be, to be given that distinction, that honor. Are any of them worth watching? Let's find out! 1. Channels It's a film that at first seems unremarkable. But for a romantic comic fantasy about a soap character coming to life in the real world, it ends up being more of a "head film" than a "heart film" if that makes any sense. The protagonist spends too much time trying to rationalize the irrational. Then the romance gets rushed through - in fact the male and female lead fall in love way too easily, and quickly, to really be credible. In real life I'd expect to wait at least a week before jumping into bed with the lady that came out my TV. Coming out of left field we get some waxing philosophical over the nature of dreams vs reality, which becomes a recurring thread. It's not massively heavy, but just tonally peculiar. It is also worth noting that the film isn't as overtly comical as the premise may make it sound - though it is nonetheless amusing enough. The film has a relaxed pace to it. But the final act is the best part - it has the most drama, movement and excitement. The ending may disappoint some, those expecting a bigger climax. But I guess the writer was going for more of a thinking man's love story. The ephemeral nature of time - of television - is contemplated upon, as lost loves and passions are lamented. This might sound kind of vague, but I can't give away too much. It's an interesting piece of obscure cinematic history, and just as interesting a piece of entertainment. It feels like the kind of movie TNG's Data would make in his quest to become more human. It's fairly good in many ways, but just feels a little ... off. 11.5/20 2. Rain in the Mountains I normally wouldn't criticize a film for being badly acted, but Rain in the Mountains is so bad in so many areas, that this cherry on top makes me pained to brush it off, like I'd brush off the strawberry on top of my pancakes. Not that I think decent acting is unimportant, just I generally feel that as long as the actors are saying their lines and moving the story forward, then that's the most important thing. But here, we have a painful, tedious experience. The humor is soooo lame. And made worse by horrible amateurish delivery. There is enough of a story, and enough action. But it's made unbearable to follow by the unlikability of the lead, horrendous dialogue, jokes falling flat, and just generally being an embarrassment to Native Americans. So what it is about? Basically a Native American father is on a mission to rid his people of modern conveniences and get them back to the old ways. On the way he spends time fishing with his reluctant son, gets his family's electricity cut off, gets in trouble with the police, and continually clashes with a mischievous dead guy. I couldn't tell you how many times I kept going back to the playbar to see how much time was left. Even in the final ten minutes this was like the proverbial watched pot. Sometimes I recommend watching a film on 1.25x speed to improve the pacing. Here I'd recommend putting it on 2x speed so it'll go by quicker. Astonishingly this won a couple of film festival awards. So if you think I'm being hyperbolic about all this, about this movie's badness, then I double dare you to watch it yourself. 3/20 3. Carlito’s Way: Rise to Power I was dreading watching this, as I'm not into gangster/mob films. And I haven't seen Carlito's Way, so I had fears of not getting references, not appreciating it as much, and so on and so forth. But I was very pleasantly surprised by this film.
There's quite a bit of plot packed in ... arguably a little overstuffed, but I enjoyed the story so it didn't have a detrimental effect. The first act is banal stuff about the gangster lifestyle clashing with a romantic courtship - I found this kinda watchable still (and in any case it ties up well in the happily ever after). Then in the middle and final acts it's gang conflicts, heroin, extortion, hit contracts and double-crossings. Which ordinarily wouldn't much interest me. But the story is told well, with obstacles arising naturally and enough development and surprises to make it an entertaining ride. Sean 'Diddy' Combs is also terrific as crime boss Hollywood Nicky, nicely looking the part and carrying off a terrifying air. It's an underappreciated and underrated film, fiercely panned by reviewers always comparing it to the original and not able to judge it on its own merits. 14.5/20 Conclusion So we have a clear winner and a clear loser. Not only in the format war, but also in the remaining HD-DVD exclusives. Though I'm still intrigued about Birthrite and wanna see it. Mark Maness said he sold a few of the discs to collectors and doesn't believe he has any left. In any case, I wouldn't be able to watch it, as I don't have a HD-DVD player. So I then asked him about regular DVDs. He has yet to reply... . Casinos are a good metaphor in spy fiction. The high stakes of international espionage are represented by the poker chip - tokens of currency for dangerous gambling, where one's life is the biggest, most ultimate gamble of all. It is a sophisticated, scintillating chandelier-filled world whose glamorous girls and cocktails intoxicate the audience with thrills, if not champagne. Win? Lose? Friend? Foe? The sensible secret agent never cuts his losses nor quits while he's ahead, but plays it through to the bitter end. Okay, I've probably built this up too much. I picked out some episodes of espionage television from the '50s and '60s that center around casinos. Obviously the number is very limited, and I included The Saint; a tenuous entry as Simon Templar isn't exactly a spy, although he does arguably fit many of the tropes of spy fiction. Principally, he is a suave globe-trotter, who is prone to investigating on unofficial basis, and getting mixed up with nefarious foes and succumbing himself and others to danger. Key: Climax! - 'Casino Royale' (S1E03; 1954) "Card Sense" Jimmy Bond is an American secret agent working for the Combined Intelligence Agency. His mission at the Casino Royale is to clean out 'Le Chiffre' at Baccarat - who has a penchant for heavy gambling using Soviet funds. Bond's contact is British 'Station S' agent Clarence Leiter, whom he communicates with initially by the use of secret codes. Real-life (at the time) agency the Deuxième Bureau is represented by Valerie Mathis, the love interest in this expertly acted live telecast. Quotes: Leiter: Well it looks like you're as lucky as they say. Bond: They? Leiter: You're a legend, old boy - Card Sense Jimmy Bond they call you. I knew you right away. Bond: I didn't know I had that much of a reputation. Leiter: Oh my dear fellow - look here - how about you give me the lowdown? How to play. Over a drink? Oh, I'm very sorry, my name's Clarence Leiter. Bond: Clarence, sure - what have I got to lose? Leiter: Do you ever lose, old boy. Bar's over there - lead on! Danger Man - 'The Battle of the Cameras' (S2E08; 1964) The charmless John Drake is an undercover agent working for British governmental department 'M9'. He is sent to the South of France to investigate the theft of confidential documents from an atomic laboratory. In a game of Baccarat at a glamorous casino he meets Martine, the very girl who had stolen those documents - but it is her employer, the facially disfigured Kent, who he is really after. Quotes: Martine: Pardonnez moi. May I have a light? Drake: Certainly. Martine: After what you have done to me at the table, I have no money even for matches. Drake: Well, that's soon remedied - you better hang on to these. Martine: [examining his book of complimentary matches] Oh you are staying there? You don't believe in roughing it. Drake: I find luxury just about adequate. Let me console you with a drink. Martine: The spoils to the victor. Anyway I would like to prove the French can lose as gracefully as the English. Mission Impossible - 'The Merchant' (S5E23; 1966) James "Jim" Phelps allows himself to be taken hostage so that illegal arms dealer Anderssarian will bargain for his release. Of course, Anderssarian also is a gambler - and Paris (Leonard Nimoy) is to play him in a game of Five-card Stud poker, elaborately rigged by the IMF in order to wipe out cash that he'd needed for a current arms deal. Will Anderssarian's mistress, the much younger Nicole be of help or hindrance? Quotes: Anderssarian: Nicole, I don't like your drinking all the time. Nicole: Well, it makes things a little easier. Like thinking about all those women and children that you kill. Anderssarian: Poor Nicole. So beautiful, and yet so saturated with alcohol. So ethical, and yet so immoral. Now, you see this gown you're wearing for instance - it must have cost at least four children. [grabbing her bracelet] And this - oh, about six. [gesturing to her necklace] And for this, you can figure about 20 children. And while you're wearing it, my dear, remember something; you have a very lovely body. But there are other lovely bodies, and I am getting rather tired of your virtue. Now, shall we go? The Saint - 'The Ex-King of Diamonds' (S6E17; 1969) In the French Riviera the Saint meets fellow gambler and wealthy Texan Rod Huston, as well as famed mathematician Henri Flambeau and his lovely daughter, Janine. Flambeau uses his mathematical talent to gain an advantage at the casino somewhat reluctantly, at the behest of his daughter. Meanwhile Boris, the gluttonously obese former king of the nation of Slavonia, is suspiciously lucky at the Baccarat table, and it is up to our heroes to work out how and why he is cheating at cards. Quotes: Templar: There goes Boris' revolution. Professor Flambeau: Ha! Janine: How lovely! Templar: Five... four... three... two... one... zero. [BANG] Professor Flambeau: What was that? Templar: Absolutely nothing. Poor Boris. Still, Janine - I suppose one must expect this sort of thing when... one is revolting. Conclusion My personal ranking: 4. 'The Ex-King of Diamonds' I feel The Saint loses something after it switched from B&W for the final two seasons. With the advent of color, the background sets and locations appear on-screen with more clarity and the show felt less glamorous than before as a consequence. It also got more action-heavy in order to capitalize on the visual spectacle. The good thing is that the majority of episodes are B&W ones with meaty dialogue and drama. As a season 6 episode, this one does get a bit more action-orientated in the second half. I feel the resolution to be a little quick and the ending not as satisfying as the usual standard, but I do like how this episode starts out. 3. 'The Merchant' I never could get into Mission Impossible. I find it too fantastical for the genre. My incredulity gets stretched further even than the rubber masks during a dramatic reveal. When something is focused so heavily onto the outlandishness of plot (in lieu of, say, characterization), details such as a quickly-made rubber mask fooling anyone are glossed over. That being said, this season does have Leonard Nimoy - and I always love how he plays the characters he plays. I swear there's much of himself in Spock, and I'm fascinated with how this affects his approach to acting in roles. As for this episode specifically, I would have preferred the balance between Plot A and Plot B to be that bit more in the favor of Paris rather than Jim, but on the whole I do recommend it. 2. 'The Battle of the Cameras' While I'm not the biggest fan of Danger Man, this was a really good episode. Excellent use of spy tactics and gadgets; and the plot has plenty of movement, including that thing of who's-playing-who, and the suspense of the protagonist putting himself in physical danger with enemies. Although the character of John Drake is not played as a ladies' man, in this episode we do get a glamorous woman who speaks in a sexy French accent and the two do have to, shall we say, "be charming to each other" for their respective missions. 1. 'Casino Royale' Was there any contest, really. The exotic locale, the bewitching leading lady, the rendezvous with a contact from another agency, the glitz, the glamorous setting, what's not to like? This was where it all began, Bond on screen. Yeah yeah I know the Daniel Craig reboot is supposed to be highly regarded and everything, but this is really the definitive and best screen adaptation of the original book. Honor(Blackman)able mention: The Avengers 'The Big Thinker' (S2E12;1962) Cathy Gale goes undercover at a supercomputer lab under the guise of researching dead languages. In her investigation she meets Dr. Kearns, whose haughty manner raises the ire of those around him. Inviting her to a party, she watches his mathematical genius fail him in a game of poker. His cockiness unhindered, he is relieved of his job at the lab by Dr. Clemens, but refuses to leave. Dr. Clemens is later found murdered and Kearns and Cathy become trapped in the computer by the saboteur. There are no casinos in this. What there is, is a small private venue with a modest bar entertaining a poker table, appearing in a brief couple of scenes (the second of which occurs after-hours). It is not apparent which form of poker is being played. Quotes: Dr. Kearns: Oh, will you excuse me a minute? I want to have a word with my bird. Oh I'm sorry. I know how formal you are. [to Cathy] How's it going? Cathy: Don't you think you better stop while you're ahead? Dr. Kearns: Oh, never, darling. Never. Cathy: You all right? Dr. Kearns: All right? I'm ballistic, sweetheart. I'm ballistic. Watch. Cathy: I'm watching. Dr. Kearns: You do that, huh? Marvelous. You do that. This is the only episode of The Avengers I have seen, and I am not left with a very positive impression - there are flubbed lines, cameras getting knocked, and boom mikes entering shot. More importantly, I find it somewhat of a mess of an episode. It didn't feel as though there was a strong enough through-line; it is hard for the audience to care about sabotage and murder at a computer lab when not enough time and attention is devoted to the subject throughout the show. With a conclusion that felt confusing, I found it incoherent and a bore to get through the end. Some nice bits throughout, but just not enough to be worth putting up with the rest of it - so not recommended.
Having said this, I couldn't take my eyes off Honor Blackman as Cathy. Past being a fresh-faced youth, she is a lady who speaks with such graceful elegance, whose perfectly smooth skin suffers nothing from hot studio lights. Neatly outfitted in tidy leathers, her slick features and smart blonde hair command her to return to Movie Stardom where she belongs. After it was adapted for television in 1956, Kay Thompson resolved she'd never allow Eloise to be dramatized again. And as she grew more and more eccentric, she also pulled her three sequels out of print, and canceled another - completely written and illustrated - from being published at all. It's only after her death that the two new adaptations were allowed to go ahead (one, I discussed briefly a few posts ago). So, what does the screen have to say about the little girl who lives at the Plaza? 3. Me, Eloise! (2006) The opening credits sequence is pretty dreadful and uses an animation style different to the actual cartoon, which is more in the Mike Judge vein - and this works I suppose, but perhaps it could have stuck closer to the source material. The look of the characters is ... acceptable, but could have been better I feel. The backgrounds, though, of the Plaza interiors look very, very good. Furthermore the series features quite an all-star cast (well, this is probably a slight exaggeration - but there are some big names in there). If you're a fan of Cobra Kai you may be surprised to learn Mary Mouser voices Eloise. After the first episode (all are 2-parters) it departs quite a bit. The 'Eloise Goes to School' episodes I really hate and would advise skipping. They don't fit in with the "lore", and I just don't like them for other reasons. Honestly, just skip them. The lore of Eloise is really quite basic: A mischief-making 6-year old girl lives in the Plaza with her nanny, tutor, and the hotel staff for company. That's it. And I can understand how hard that must be for writers to come up with new story ideas if we're stuck in one building. But I'd rather they'd have cut one of the 'Eloise Goes to ... .' storylines for just an 11 episode series if it meant more in keeping with the original book. And I would suggest that it be the 'Eloise Goes to School' story because she's meant to have her tutor Philip - AND DOES NOT GO TO SCHOOL!!! In conclusion, well ... I guess it's okay. The stories are interesting enough. It's not just pretty colors and mindless action. What really lets it down for me is how much it deviates; I'm thinking specifically when we're leaving the Plaza for the whole episode. This is only a couple of the storylines, but this makes up nearly a third of the whole series. (Incidentally, in episode 9 Eloise holds a beatnik party, which is where we come full circle to one of my earliest posts.) 2. Playhouse 90 - Eloise (1956) It took a bit of an effort to hunt this one out - but I'm glad I did, because it's freakin' great! All the main characters are present, and it does justice to the original book to a reasonable extent. Some may find the subplot of Eloise's quarreling parents unnecessary and too much of a deviation from source material. Technically it probably is the main plot, but it doesn't feel like it when it doesn't get going until two thirds in. And with the parents unseen and unheard, we don't feel much empathy with Eloise about their apparent marital difficulties - especially when she has so many surrogate caregivers. Therefore the stakes don't feel as high as with the earlier plot of her playing matchmaker with tutor Philip and chambermaid Johanna. But while Eloise's parents potentially fighting a custody battle might depart quite a bit in "vibe" (pretty heavy stuff for the world of Eloise), I do feel that since their characters are only shown briefly for the (upbeat) ending, it is heavy material delivered in a light way. The subject is only touched upon in the grand scheme of things - and I feel it enriches the story, if anything. After airing, a contemporary review criticized it for being overcrowded with guest celebrities (of the day). I'm not totally against the number of celebrity appearances; I feel their contributions to be small and not much more than cameos. I also had no clue who they were. Creator Kay Thompson herself features prominently as a character, and also wrote several songs for the production. They are fine, including a couple pretty catchy ones at that. The small number of choreographed songs are integrated in the production well - it's not like it is teetering on becoming a musical. She naturally provides a strong vocal performance, in particular leading a fun, dynamic number called 'How to Raise a Child' involving much of the cast. But, unequivocally, the most praiseworthy of all is Evelyn Rudie as Eloise. At 7 years old, she had a feature-length teleplay's worth of lines to learn, including instances of long and elaborate dialogue. And with the added pressure of the whole thing being broadcast live! Indeed, a couple of her adult veteran co-stars noticably stumbled (compare that to a 7 year old with a main character's worth of material to memorize). 1. Eloise at the Plaza (2003) This is probably most people's introduction to Eloise. Visually it's obviously more expansive than the above, with more lucidity and color - and a greater sense of space is given, feeling more like a hotel. The sets are faithful, especially those of the lobby and the Palm Court. It does incredible justice to the original book, especially the first quarter of the film. But it does also owe something (small) to the Playhouse 90 iteration, with a subplot involving mischievous matchmaking. We get a greater sense of running riot in a public building. It conveys a sense of nostalgia for one's childhood... When you're let loose and go exploring in a new large space to the chagrin of your parents. Seeing where a staircase leads to. Marveling at the grandness of design compared to what you're used to. Being where you're not supposed to be. Probing your surroundings so you know what every room or floor looks like. I'm sure I sometimes still get dreams like this. But they're always cut short by my bladder waking me up to go to the toilet for the hundredth time (despite not really being that full). The original book was a bit of whimsy with no plot to speak of, and the Playhouse 90 adaptation needed to add one for the sake of television. But this has a better balance between the two - and has a more complex story. It's the book brought to life PLUS a story substantial enough to satisfy modern expectations. However it does get a bit maudlin in tone: Eloise's new friend Leon, a prince from a fictional Far Eastern country, goes to boarding school in New York which is something he isn't happy about. Add that to the fact his mother has died, and his father doesn't spend much time with him subsequently. But I'm seeing it this way through adult eyes. I believe youngsters - the target audience - would find this plot thread more, in a sense, "educational" as a necessary rite-of-passage; i.e. dealing with the death of a parent in a fictional work so they're a little more emotionally prepared should the matter cross their path in real life. In any case, there is a good balance between deep and frivolous. Eloise's dialogue is more sophisticated than would be believable for a 6 year old. But this is a movie. The phrase 'poetic license' originated from poetry - and I certainly feel that every genre of literature or format of drama deserves to take with whatever license that pertains to the quirks of that format. So here we have her fourth-wall-breaking, first-person voiceover - something a more age-appropriate actor might struggle to convey convincingly, but something more in line with the book (i.e. compared to the Playhouse 90 telecast). Sofia Vassilieva was 10 at the time of filming - but as long as she looks enough like a 6 year old and delivers her lines, that's all that matters. We can't all be child prodigies like Evelyn Rudie was (incidentally, when she would be Sofia's age she'd appear on quiz shows translating contestants' German). But if there's any complaints about casting to be had, I really don't like Julie Andrews' Nanny. She doesn't appear aged enough, and she adds a Cockney edge that is just unnecessary. I understand why she was picked (Mary Poppins and The Sound Of Music were nanny roles), but in my opinion she was no way near as good as the actress who played Nanny in the Playhouse 90 version. Sorry to have ended on a negative note! If it's any consolation allow me to re-iterate, this iteration has done everything else right. Even Kay Thompson herself would have been happy with it. I'm sure her ghost is anyway. Bonus: So, going back to the conception of this whole thing. In an earlier post I noted how an entire film being set in a real-life hotel meant that it "obviously" had to be in a studio. And an even earlier post was entirely on Hallmark Christmas movies; so now let us come full circle to a Hallmark Christmas movie that is set mostly inside the Plaza and IS ACTUALLY FILMED INSIDE IT! I present to you, the apt, Christmas at the Plaza: Jessica, an archival historian, is commissioned to create an exhibit honoring the history of Christmas at the Plaza. There she meets Nick, a rugged and passionate decorator who becomes a rival to Jessica's boyfriend for her heart. Her decision to focus the exhibition onto the Plaza's legendary Christmas tree toppers - of which every year has a unique design - hits a snag when she finds a year for which the tree topper is missing, and there begins her quest to find out why.
What can I say? This hits in all the right places. Blossoming romances are dealt with with enough care and subtlety, being particularly well-acted. Elizabeth Henstridge is beautiful; and you can trust Hallmark to make sparks fly. Also the film deserves extra credit for shooting on-location for so many of the spaces inside the Plaza including the Champagne Bar, the Palm Court, the entrance lobby, the Oak Room and the Oak Bar. It looks great! There is a real magical feel about it. And additional credit is deserved for educating viewers as to what a "finial d'arbre" is (a type of Christmas tree ornament). (Yeah, it ain't that useful a piece of information.) 14/20 After so much levity one feels the need to darken the mood. Or to put it another way, sometimes I need to shoehorn in an introduction for content that I had arbitrarily decided upon earlier. My last post was about sex comedies (from one production house); and for a sequel (of sorts) I figured (subconsciously) that I'd cover a similarly taboo-bending genre - but one whose time came and (for the most part) went. The erotic thriller is as passé as the Millennium bug, having passed me just as the Y2K bug passed everyone by. Not that I actually needed the numbers to tell me this but its heyday was unequivocally in the '90s. I picked a handful (literally 5), each for its own reasons that may be made clear later (or may not). In reverse chronological order: Poison Ivy IV: The Secret Society (2008) Wildflower (Blood Related) (2000) Blown Away (1993) Killer Instinct (Homicidal Impulse) (1992) Victim of Love (Raw Heat) (1991) Poison Ivy IV: The Secret Society The lowest-rated on Rotten Tomatoes of the four Poison Ivy movies so OF COURSE this'll be the one I'll watch. The only one not including the titular Ivy (taking place in a different universe probably), it was also the only made-for-TV movie of the bunch, premiering on Lifetime in 2008. The previous two sequels were direct-to-video (and notably had Ivy played by a different actress each time round). So Shawna Waldron replaces the role of Ivy of the previous films, the new character being the VERY common, everyday-encountered flower's name 'Azalea'. (Side note, bear in mind Iggy Azalea is only a stage name.) Cute as she was in Little Giants and The American President, by now Waldron had blossomed into a jaw-dropping beauty - and it's a shame she hadn't been in more things. Her prior feature-length would have been the 2004 underrated gem To Kill A Mockumentary, flown right under the radar because of its low-budget nature. Its low production values may be offputting to many (and also much of its comic dialogue from either delivery or lameness), but if you don't set your expectations unrealistically high - and just enjoy the comedy - then there is value to be had overall. Don't scoff at giving it a second chance either, because, personally, I found that it grew on me second time round. Basically, imagine what Burn Hollywood Burn would have been like if it was much smaller scale and had a funnier script. ANYWAY, I digress. Back to Poison Ivy IV... . Farmgirl "Daisy", our protagonist, is newly enrolled into college where she meets Blake, a guy who seems to take a shine to her. Azalea, current leader of highly secretive sisterhood the Ivies, has an antagonistic role, offering Blake sexual favors for his help in altering her grades and boosting her chances of a coveted internship. (It is hinted that she's no stranger to using such tactics to help herself gain connections, influence, and so on.) Things take a dark turn after Daisy becomes embroiled with the Ivy Society. I'm coming at this with a degree of unbias, not having seen any of the other films in the Poison Ivy series. The story is interesting enough, with satisfying depth and a healthy amount of twists and turns. Waldron plays Azalea wonderfully. Her character is not as one-dimensional as she's first portrayed to be; while vengeful and conspiratorial, she is humanized to a small degree. There is also a certain degree of artistry to the sex scenes. Whether they be soft and slow and gentle, or rough, it is always classy (this may have to do with use of visual effects and new-agey music). Waldron's hair and make-up are sometimes unflattering, but for the most part she looks fine (in both senses). 14.5/20 Wildflower After the death of their tycoon father, three siblings who stand to inherit his empire head to a wooded cabin to negotiate the agreement between them. Brought along are girlfriends, wives and hitchhikers (well, to be exact, one of each). Arguments, bloodshed, and lesbian erotica ensue. Yada yada yada. Things heat up IMMEDIATELY. During the pre-credit sequence, in colored lighting we see a self-described "bad, bad girl" grinding the aforementioned wealthy patriarch while he reaches for pills. The prognosis: death by sex. And just like a Bond movie, we are then treated to a music-accompanied opening credits. Except it's country rock. (Or the more vague term, "alternative rock".) The song is by the obscure Wendie Colter, of which all her songs in this movie can be found on her album 'Payday' - it's pretty damn good, most definitely a hidden gem. On the subject of the soundtrack, the uncomfortably loud and prominent score tries to suggest that this is a more interesting story than it is. But the set-up is uninspired, despite one or two fun ideas (example: the siblings are each handed an envelope they're forbidden to show anyone, setting up audience anticipation for the reveal at the end). The story is pretty engaging in many ways. But by the middle act it starts to bore and get tedious ... then amps up when curveballs get thrown left, right and center. Drama and tension is added artificially, unnaturally, and inelegantly, with sudden shifts that are too far-fetched to get onboard with. A mess of plot twists and switching motives/personalities, it's as if the writer doesn't understand people at all, but is an objective outsider viewing them as puppets in a sequence of events. And the nudity is most definitely on the side of gratuitous. It's almost as if this word was invented for this film. That, and the word 'melodramatic'. I'm not gonna lie, the sole reason I picked this was because it was directed by David Michael Latt, co-founder of The Asylum - just as the company was making its own first feature film. 6/20 Blown Away Ah, the Two Coreys! Most people say their favorite Two Coreys film is The Lost Boys or License To Drive or Dream A Little Dream (I prefer the sequel with Robyn Lively, but that's just me). In any case, never mentioned is Blown Away - but it's not necessarily their worst. Atypically non-comedic, it shows them broadening their common film résumé with something darker and dramatically meatier. It does mean we are "treated" to a nude Corey Haim. He may be a former teen heartthrob, but I'm not 100% convinced audiences want to see his naked butt all the time. The sexual scenes are very tasteful and tender however, with Haim's thrusting of pelvis onto real-life girlfriend Nicole Eggert offering a relaxed and confident authenticity. Eggert's slender legs and feet, and Californian hair and nails give these scenes a graceful, elegant touch. She's the sexy, sinister femme fatale who plots murders and drives apart half-brothers Haim and Feldman. The setting is a ski resort where Haim works, and owned by Eggert's wealthy father. (Forgive me for not using their character names, but there really is no point.) The film is not explicitly set in any named place, though it's probably in Canada, as Haim frequently wears double denim. A mess of twists, revelations and killings, the ending feels rather nonsensical and unsatisfying ... but the film does have its occasional moments. Such include Eggert's long, blonde hair flowing against her sweat-soaked back. There's not much to recommend other than that. 12.5/20 Killer Instinct I suppose I picked this because Vanessa Angel is pretty active on social media, engaging with her fans and stuff, and I follow her on Instagram. In the beforeglow of her career, it would be a couple years on that she'd star in the Weird Science sitcom spin-off and make her breakthrough appearance in Kingpin. But enough biographical details! Her slim, youthful curves and peachy buttocks drenched in sensual oils are arguably tastefully done here, although it's surely edging into the land of softcore pornography. Noir overtones give this movie a mild vintage flair, with extremes of sex and violence. As much horror as thriller, atmosphere is delivered in spades (when they're not being used to bury a murder victim). Muted chromaticity, gruesome corpses, and of course the pleasures of writhing bodies shock, disturb and titillate. A prosecuting lawyer has his eyes on career advancement, and it seems things begin to go his way after he becomes entangled with a sexy new intern - who we discover has a mysterious relationship to the current D.A. Believability is not a primary concern with this flick, more important is how the story is told rather than what the story is, suffice it to say that this is a story about lust, crime, power and manipulation. Not fuckin Perry Mason. I'll give this film some credit for its dark atmosphere and playing mindgames with the audience. But simply, it's just not my cup of tea. 11.5/20 Victim of Love Basically a love triangle between a psychologist, her widowed lover, and her female patient (JoBeth Williams, Pierce Brosnan, and Virginia Madsen respectively). Is he a womanizer? Is the patient delusional? Was his wife MURDERED? If so, by who? ET CETERA. This is a slightly tenuous entry. While not any T+A is shown explicitly, the sex scenes are romantic, slow and sexy enough to convey eroticism (wetness does seem to be a running motif). They complement the movie well, adding to the atmosphere. Some online reviews seem to be critical of the sax music that accompanies them ... but what does this have to do with anything?? It was in vogue at the time. That's like criticizing the film for somebody having a certain hairstyle - it's entirely dumb. Fashions change - so what? They also have grievances with the film being derivative. I'm not going to argue this point other than to say there's nothing wrong with being derivative so long as the end result is solid. This wasn't a theatrical film, bear in mind, and it had only the scope of a TV movie. However the main cast trio are excellent - they really elevate the script with their beauty, naturalness and talent. JoBeth Williams as the protagonist I would single out; there's a real sense of compassion as she's hesitantly being romanced at her stage in life, then falling for her lover, then struggling to square this with things she's been hearing about him from her patient. She's also quite sexy. But it goes without saying that all three are tremendously good-looking, which I feel increases the stakes and drama and interest. In any case, I was kept entertained, wanting to know how the story played out. It might not be a film that has a lot of longevity once the mystery has been solved for you, but it's great for a once-through if you're into the genre (romantic-psychological-thriller-mystery). 15/20 Honorable Mention: Body Shot (1994) Where do I begin with this one!? Hilariously the poster uses a picture of Robert Patrick from the set of T2: Judgment Day, where his hair is obviously a different color, length, style, and even type, it seems. It is so blatant as to be laughable. If you're eagle-eyed, on the DVD case you can see a tiny slither of police badge. Mickey, a photographer with an obsession with pop star Chelsea, is given the job of taking some shots of lookalike Danielle. When the real Chelsea is found murdered, the police go after him after finding incriminating evidence.
I was in two minds about watching this one; reviews seemed to indicate that stylistically it was more neo noir than erotic thriller, especially considering the tameness of the sex scenes. The focus of the film does seem to be more on the hardboiled side of things - solving a mystery, with some scattering of first-person voiceover. And all the cool action scenes are a bonus. But yeah, the sex scenes were probably more "steamy" than "erotic" (hence why the uncut, unblurred film is allowed to have been kept on YouTube). While necessary for the plot, they are inconsequential to the "essence" of the movie, I feel. Online reviews were also critical of the plot being convoluted. I would say that the majority of the film is fine in this regard and it's only the ending that leaves one scratching their head - any plot twists up to this point are not to any detrimental degree. The resolution may be overcomplicated, but that doesn't mean I think the plot should have been simplified ... just the characters should "dumb it down" for audiences by reiterating one final time who was really who, why did X get involved, and precisely what the false narrative was versus what really happened. Or just use diagrams. If you watch the movie with the forewarning to pay attention during the final big scene - as well as on any unseen characters' names - then you'll likely enjoy it that bit more. 14/20 What I like about The Asylum is that they churn out 99% shit. So when they come out with something that can be felt to be halfway decent, you appreciate it much, much more. Lower your expectations and you won't be disappointed.
Conveniently the sex comedies in their oeuvre equal nine - which as we know is a nice, round and sexy number. So I took it upon myself to watch all 9 and rank them from worst to best. (Okay, I admit it, I did think there were 10 when I started this.) #1 Cheerleader Camp, 18-Year-Old Virgin and Sex Pot I did already cover briefly in a prior post, but I will have to watch them again because of how unmemorable they are. 9. Bachelor Night (2014) The pacing lends this more a made-for-TV vibe than a direct-to-video one - by that I mean the opening feels like it needed to ease into the story more gradually (a criticism common for many action/disaster Asylum films); furthermore the playful incidental music present from the beginning contributes to this vibe... but this is all by the by. It truly feels a real stretch to call this a "sex comedy" per se, as there's only a hint of each in the final product. Nevertheless, just because the sex feels too detached from the focus of the humor, that does not mean I will exclude this tenuous entry. The setting of Las Vegas is always alluring - however the movie somehow manages to miss the mark with this. The characters are unlikable, and there is a dearth of genuinely funny moments, with the humor depending too much on the idea of Sin City itself. Even cutting short the debauchery, it still takes too long to shift gears, with the attempts at humor until this point existing mainly in snappy lines of dialogue. That's not to say comic situations are absent - they're just not funny. The film as a result plods along as a suspense-crime-adventure with a comic set-up rather than as a comedy in its own right, taking itself far too seriously. I really do not want to devote any more words to this mirthless caper - however I realize that due to my rambling diatribe I've neglected to describe the plot. Basically a bachelor party encounters a bachelortte party in Las Vegas, and along the way the groom-to-be and the bride-to-be go missing, ending up as prisoners by a brothel. This should perhaps really be a spoiler, but I really don't care. 8. Bikini Spring Break (2012) Holy fuck. The premise of an all-female marching band getting up to hijinks in Fort Lauderdale as they attempt to get to a competition may sound like it has legs. What we get is tits. And a euphonium. I'm always careful not to give away too many spoilers - but in this instance my lack of forthcomingness for details is due to how forgettable they are. The idea is executed terribly with overly contrived excursions to wet t-shirt competitions and the like, and the stakes feeling like they don't progressively increase enough. Bereft of laughs or even a single smirk, this was a real chore to sit though, and I felt so relieved when it was over. In spite of all this, the movie doesn't take itself seriously in the least and has a sense of "fun", as dull as the final product is. Ostensibly it's a mockbuster of Spring Breakers released the same year. But whereas the aforementioned defies categorization, earning artistic merit with a druggy, visceral experience born from a psychedelic, kaleidoscopic visual style, in Bikini Spring Break there is no visual style. Nor is there any merit, artistic or otherwise. There is no heady crime adventure here, just a conventional sex "comedy"; but if it's any consolation you will feel your soul drained after watching this, just like an acid comedown. 7. Barely Legal (2011) Doesn't offer many surprises. You can guess where the gags are going a lightyear away and, in addition to their obviousness, they're not executed well at all - and neither unfortunately is the paper-thin premise. The premise is basically 3 girls trying to lose their virginities on their shared 18th birthday party. Kinda like American Pie and Can't Hardly Wait I guess. Most of the film takes place at the party - which for whatever reason is in a big luxurious mansion ... where the three apparently live. You'll have to suspend with disbelief on this point ... as well as on many other points too multitudinous to enumerate. In spite of all this, I will give the film merit for sticking with 3 main characters and telling each of their vapid stories. 6. Celebrity Sex Tape (2012) Having a stronger plot than several of the entries here, I was kept engaged, wanting to know what happens next. In short, a bunch of college losers make a celebrity sex tape and are blackmailed into making more. Comedically there were a couple of instances that elicited a laughter response. The hit rate is nonetheless low - and the nerdy tropes in particular do get a little grating. However the attempts at humor aren't overly predictable and dire as with the lesser entries in this list - and the premise alone is amusing enough to carry this movie. Not that this is a recommendation at all. 5. Alpha House (2014) This was released to coincide with Neighbors but escapes the title of being a mockbuster of said movie, due to being given a very different name ('Alpha House'). It does however share its name exactly with 2013 TV series Alpha House, which is of an entirely different genre of course. So what of the film itself? A fraternity and sorority fight a battle of the sexes (or as The Asylum might have called it, a 'war of the genders') to eject each other from a shared building. Which ain't a bad idea for a movie. There's plenty of good ideas in this movie actually. But there are also some terrible gags. You won't be missing a great deal if you decide not to stick with it. What I will say for this film is that it does have more than a semblance of plot - there is a real satisfying feeling of beginning-middle-conclusion. So it may be worth sticking with this after all. (It ain't.) 4. MILF (2010) Without giving too much away, a group of college boys become fixated with MILFs, with one of them hooking up with his best friend's mother ... hilarity ensues. The angle this movie takes may not be all that innovative, but the film nonetheless manages to feel refreshing. The cast do a first-rate job with their comic delivery, and the characters are likable. The plot may be felt to be a bit on the weak side for a good portion, but there is a satisfyingly decent feeling of resolution. 3. Sex Pot (2009) This is a dumb movie. But I'm somewhat fond of it. That may have to do with the charm that Seth Cassell brings playing Mert, the laid-back one of the stoner duo. He's awesome; he really gives life and character and likability to a not-very-good script. I don't even mind the juvenility of the toilet humor. Plot-wise, the duo's adventure isn't a story worth delineating here, to put it blunt. I probably like this movie more than I should, but hey, it's a good thing that I like it at all. It may help that while other movies in this list may feature drugs, this is the only one that fits in the buddy stoner genre. So that probably gives it an extra boost to its worth. And did I mention it was released in 3D!? 2. 18-Year-Old Virgin (2009) I'd given this quite a high score before, so I was quite looking forward to revisiting it to see if anything had changed. My evaluation of it now (in terms of numerical rating) is not as glowing as previously, though my feelings about the film as a whole remain the same. Similar to Can't Hardly Wait it's set mostly at a high school graduation party (with one character seeking to declare his love to his longtime crush). Having a high school age protagonist, there is more a sense of pathos to this film than the ones here featuring college students. This film has quite a bit of sweetness and charm, and is pretty hilarious in places. 1. #1 Cheerleader Camp (2010) This is a fun little movie. Humorous scenes are performed with proficiency, the talented cast - the two leads in particular - having enough comedic chops to elevate the dialogue out of mediocrity. While the film doesn't have much of a plot at first, it doesn't really need one; the setting is fertile enough for japes of the sort to fulfill the scope of this bouncy bit of fluff. However, as the movie develops it gets meatier, and the cheerleading comes more to the fore. The editing and score also seem to me to be of a relatively higher standard. Previously I rated this film lower than Sex Pot and 18-Year-Old Virgin, but now I've changed my position on this: For the record, I rated 18-Year-Old Virgin a 17/20, Sex Pot a 14.5/20 and #1 Cheerleader Camp a 12/20; this time I'd rate them a 13.5/20, 13/20, and 14/20 respectively. Hindsight is 20/20. Most professional fights have weight divisions. But few bouts are ever fought between New York luxury hotels (if any). So why did I mention weight divisions? The answer I shall elucidate in a clause concluding the sentence you are reading now - as inelegant, illegible and inevitably inscrutable as it is - written with the objective of obfuscating the aforementioned answer to the problem posed in the prior paragraph, by prolonging the climax for as long as it can be tolerated, like one of Sting’s seven-hour sex sessions, before capitulating to the human instinct for closure; the reason I have mentioned weight divisions is because today’s post is about comparing two five-star NYC hotels (the Waldorf-Astoria and the Plaza Hotel) with regard to their depiction in cinema - but obviously some films feature said hotels only briefly and some films are in their entirety set within, and therefore to make the comparisons fair they're matched according to amounts of screentime each gets, corresponding to the different weight classes used in combative sports. (Yes, that was all one sentence.) Round 1. Featherweight: features briefly - a couple minutes MAX. Round 2. Welterweight: features partially (let's say up to ten minutes of screentime). Round 3. Middleweight: features quite significantly. Round 4. Heavyweight: the entire film. Round 1: Coming to America (W-A) The actual Waldorf-Astoria appears in Coming to America in only a few exterior shots and no genuine interior on-location shooting to speak of. But we are going by depiction - so how does it fare? An erection is guaranteed - of your country's flag, if you happen to be a monarch. However you have to provide your own topless maidens for cleaning your penis. So be sure to have some in your entourage. Vs. North by Northwest (P) youtu.be/jpQIbgcUDzw We are mostly in the legendary Oak Room, which was shut down in 2011. Modeled after the luxuriant dining salons of German liners, these sumptuous surroundings were used quite innocently by the protagonist of Hitchcock's North by Northwest as a place for a business meeting. However... If you’re dumb enough to call over the porter while he is delivering a message to a kidnapee-to-be when criminal goons are standing nearby, then you may get kidnapped in his stead. And no one will stop you. This is a massive fail on the part of the hotel (as well as yours). Result : The Waldorf-Astoria Round 2: Crocodile Dundee (P) youtu.be/w58ikKrXDjI If you're a yokel with no exposure to cities - let alone to a five star hotel - then you may not know what a bidet is and mistake it for a dunny. In any case, if you're the subject of an article written by a sheila who clearly wants to get in your crocodile skin pants, then you are guaranteed to be offered a suite that is perhaps a little too extravagant for your tastes. Vs. The Out-of-Towners (1970) (W-A) youtu.be/UIWQa7S0Pn8 There are two Out-of-Towners theatrical films; the original with Jack Lemmon, and the 1999 remake with Steve Martin and Goldie Hawn (seven years after they paired up in Housesitter). The latter’s not that highly regarded but I think it’s quite underrated - it does have one or two cringeworthy moments, but it has the more satisfying (if less poignant) ending of the two. Regardless, it's only the original that features the Waldorf-Astoria: While the staff may speak to you with politeness, they are anal jobsworths who won't save your room unless you call ahead (or some such rule I've simplified here for the sake of not having to rewatch to try and understand in finer detail). Result: The Plaza Round 3: Scent of a Woman (W-A) Al Pacino steals the show in this film about a prep school kid entrusted with the care of a cantankerous blind veteran with excellent nasal proficiency. The Walforf-Astoria is where they choose to stay - though, interestingly, there is actually one scene located and filmed at the Plaza's Oak Room. But we are talking five minutes vs. forty-five minutes worth of screentime (besides which, a place they're only dining at doesn't count against the place they're actually staying). So anyway... as for the hotel sojourn, what luxuries do they indulge? Well there's really not much to mention, other than a tailor (and this was for the whole forty-five minutes of screentime). Vs. Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (P) As brilliant a film as Scent of a Woman is, there really is no competition here. At the Plaza you'll be given three scoops of ice cream. You can tip the bellboy with chewing gum. And you can cannonball into the (nonexistent) pool. If you're lucky you might bump into Donald Trump. (In the lobby I mean - not the pool!) Result: The Plaza Round 4: Week-End at the Waldorf (W-A) Week-End at the Waldorf is like an updated Grand Hotel (released just the prior decade), which it resembles in only the barest sense. In essence it follows similar themes, borrowing a few ideas. It's a good film, but doesn't have the escapist dreamlike quality and golden age glamour and stars of its predecessor, despite the gains it gets relating to then-current WWII (and also of course the updated production values). The entire film being set in a real-life hotel obviously means it's all just studio sets we're seeing; however in the opening scene we are spoiled by the sets for the foyer and main lobby which are just magnificent and exquisitely detailed. In fact, all the sets are impressive, including other identifiable spaces like the Jade Room and the Tony Sarg Oasis Cafe. But anyway, in the film guests are treated to the services of a barbershop, people who walk your dogs, and even a hotel detective. This is going to be pretty tough to beat. Vs. Eloise at the Plaza + Eloise at Christmastime (P) Sequel Eloise at Christmastime might be the better of these two made-for-TV movies, as its story is more focused - and it does just as good a job as the original of introducing you to the characters of the Plaza and the world of Eloise, so there's no need to watch them in the "proper" order. In both, Julie Andrews as Nanny has a strangely phoney-sounding English accent, even saying "oh, knickers!" as an expletive ostensibly from Limeyland. But at least unlike the actress playing Eloise she doesn't shout her lines all the bloody time. But anyway. If you're a permanent guest the hotel staff will treat you very nice. Room service not only brings you breakfast but will also stay and play with you. You can even charge a chicken Kiev to your room when in the Palm Court and then not even eat it. What better place is there to run riot as a child, getting up to mischief - and get away with it? Incidentally, you can experience an Eloise-themed Afternoon Tea at the Palm Court. Though it seems to me rather more for adults, what with the child-unfriendliness of fine china and glass tabletops. Result: Draw Overall winner: At 2 rounds to 1, The Plaza is apparently the winner. A good thing, because nobody likes a draw. So... instead of a prize of a ceremonial belt(?), the winner gets this: the opportunity to share its grandeur to you, the reader. Enjoy! Basically I've been on a real Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen tip recently and I watched all their films (yeah yeah also for the purposes of this blog *ahem*). I excluded Double, Double, Toil and Trouble and How the West Was Fun from this because they were children's films - the girls were 8 years old at that point and were still doing Full House. So this post covers from It Takes Two to New York Minute, which coincidentally are their only two theatrical films. There's a neat sandwich theme to this chronology, with nine direct-to-video releases/TV movies as the filling, and a couple big-budget releases as the bread. Which I know is the wrong way round in a sandwich, but just imagine that it's particularly expensive, posh bread. And that the filling's the cheapest thing you can think of, like some Sainsbury's Basics bread or something. 11. The Challenge (2003) A fun, novel idea for a Mary-Kate and Ashley flick, the Olsens play estranged twins who unbeknownst to each other have both applied, successfully, to be on a reality game show filmed in Mexico called The Challenge. A Survivor-like show where the prize is a college scholarship, the contestants are pitted against each other in two teams. Naturally there is treachery afoot. And naturally the sisters' mutual antagonism is gradually softened. Much of the film follows the contestants doing their challenges treating us like we're the audience of (the in-universe) The Challenge. This drama supplements the main drama of the plot rather than augments it. It's seamlessly done, but feels slightly cop-outish. Additionally, the two blossoming romances feel slightly forced. While I can't say I didn't enjoy watching the film, I fear it won't have as much re-watch value and longevity as most of their others. Also, there's a weird meta final scene that I'm not wholly on board for. (To put it mildly.) 10. Our Lips Are Sealed (2000) On paper this looks like it ought to be as good as Mary-Kate and Ashley's other world-traveling efforts. The premise is interesting, with the girls being sent to live in Sydney, Australia as part of the witness protection program. It's fun and sunny, but the gags aren't exactly great. The film gets quite silly and campy - most annoying are the two mobster goons' accents (they're from an Eastern European country called ... Yurugli). I can tolerate all the fourth-wall-breaking, but there are one or two self-referential meta gags - which I feel spoil the movie by breaking the illusion of reality in an overt way. Visually the film is very nice with the views from Sydney Harbour, and some beach and yacht party scenes, and jet-ski and surf scenes. However I can't get over the lameness of the gags. They're not lackluster, just poor and falling flat. The film definitely does have some heart ... it's just I can't say I really like it a massive deal, so I suppose there's mixed feelings there. It's fun and doesn't take itself seriously in the slightest. I just feel the humor ought to have been less trite and infantile and corny. 9. Getting There (2002) After passing their driving tests the girls decide on a cross-country road trip with a group of their friends. Aiming to get to Salt Lake City, Utah to see the Winter Olympics, they suffer mishap after mishap on their journey. Not totally bereft of charm, I felt this to be very average. While its humor doesn't awkwardly fall flat on its face, the comedic moments are more just mildly amusing than funny (and that's putting it generously). The characters I feel are a bit one-dimensional. As if they're stereotypes of teenagers written by someone who never was one. The worst crime of the film is that it got dull, I felt, in the final part when the gang hit the slopes and we're punished with skiing montages. Don't get me wrong, it makes a change, but these skiing (and snowboarding and tubing and snowmobiling) scenes drag and feel too obligatory and drawn-out. The film is really about the journey, the misadventure. Does that mean, though, that in the final act when we've reached the destination should so little happen dramatically? Plot threads are tied up, but it's just so inelegant and anticlimactic. Having said all this, I found the film pretty watchable. Hard to recommend especially, but charming in its own way. 8. New York Minute (2004) A fun, goofy adventure with some teen sibling melodrama thrown in, the twins had by now far outgrown their cuteness. As a film experience it is fast paced and even a bit crazy OTT - but what can be more exciting than an adventure in NYC? Never tedious, I wouldn't say it's overly busy, just necessarily farcical in style, a lot more than would be typical for the twins. I guess for that reason alone this may be worth a checking out. Also atypical is that Mary-Kate and Ashley are playing sisters who absolutely loathe each other. This pair dynamic results in some tender emotional moments among the mirth and adventure (part of which, incidentally, is provided by a subplot involving a truancy officer following the girls around the city played by Eugene Levy). 7. Switching Goals (1999) Well-made and well-written, the story is dealt with with plenty of care, and doesn’t condescend to young audiences. Although the subject matter may be seen to be targeted to preteens, this TV movie is suited for the whole family. It has an effortlessly entertaining style not relying on cheap gags, the comedy is in the plot and the goings-on; a lot less unsubtle than some of the girls’ other feature-lengths. While at a more relaxed pace, the story has enough meat to it that makes this able to compete against the twins' more visually stimulating films with settings in cities across the world. Middle school, middle America may not exactly be the most exciting backdrop but I can see how audiences from these demographics would appreciate it. And while the limited scenery is not overly detrimental, it is still a thing. The ending also is a bit anticlimactic in its predictability - but what do you expect for a sports film? Also, I love Mary-Kate's bandana. 6. Holiday in the Sun (2001) By 2001 the twins had outgrown their cute preteen appeal, and were now a couple of pretty, jailbait teens. Though set and filmed in the Bahamas, Holiday in the Sun doesn't "feel" as exotic as it might have done, with most of the locale being in a holiday resort. The drama is provided variously by a friendly fling with a local boy with suitably boybandesque hair (any teenage girl's wet-dream!), and a lighthearted teen courtship in the form of playing Cyrano, before eventually shifting gear to a crimesolving caper in the final quarter. With some mild parent conflict thrown in for good measure, the different plot threads flow alongside cohesively enough. In some of their other films the girls visit Rome, Paris and Sydney, and have more engaging and noteworthy adventures. Here the story is somewhat pedestrian by comparison (in particular the bitchy rivalry from a spoiled brat feels a little too juvenile) - although this is mitigated by the setting, which is lovely and fun, not to mention all the water-based holiday activity sequences. Furthermore the occasional shaky-cam, Dutch angle and B&W filter lend an amateurish vibe that sell short the production. And overall the plot feels slightly insubstantial, tacky and weak for a feature-length (though really I'm just nitpicking on this point - I guess it's fine, really, for the audience). This being said, the beginning third of the movie is particularly appealing to the senses with a cool 2001-era popish soundtrack (the whole film has a great soundtrack too by the way). I am very fond of it. 5. Winning London (2001) The girls are in their school's Model UN team, which is selected to participate in an international competition hosted in London. (I'm sure Mary-Kate and Ashley's fanbase must be VERY interested in Model UN competitions.) After arriving in London there is a touristy day-out scene - which was shot on a bad day, because it looks gray, overcast and chilly. The director must have done this on purpose. (Okay, he probably didn't.) This scene drags a bit. But it's a nice novelty to see the girls in a more layered wardrobe, with long woolen and leather coats and hats (I think they probably savored having a richer variety of clothing cuts and materials). London when overcast isn't the most romantic of cities, but it seems like every one of the team manage to pair up with someone. There are a couple of fake English accents, though they're not maddeningly bad. Halfway through the movie is another day-out montage where they go clothes shopping. While a nice bit, this feels too much like filler because, overall, the meat of the plot takes too long to get going. The beginning of the film starts off reasonably well, but immediately there's a dip in plot progression that takes a while to recover from. The earlier day-out scene could have been trimmed down for pacing (such as by cutting out their visit at London Dungeon or Westminster Abbey, or just by shortening the interspersing montage in general). So basically, with a setting and premise that are already arguably less exciting than many of their other films, Winning London could have at least been slightly improved with editing. Having said all this, I do like the idea, the film does recover well by the final act; and James, the English love interest, is very charming. 4. It Takes Two (1995) This is a very underappreciated film. It's not remembered as well as it should be - or at all. Mary-Kate plays an Annie-like figure, a pint-sized loudmouth orphan girl from New York with 'tude coming out of her eyeballs. Ashley plays an awfully well-off girl who by chance happens to look pretty much identical. Aside from some similarities to Annie to Mary-Kate's character, the twins trade places, and mischievously play matchmaker (one of the two victims is about to marry the wrong woman!); so with the combination of all these tropes (The Prince and the Pauper, anyone?), the premise could be argued to be a bit derivative. However, it is a well-produced film, expertly executed with plenty of heart and charm. Younger people may not remember who Steve Guttenberg is, as he is one of those '80s stars who basically disappeared. But in It Takes Two his lovable charisma opposite Kirstie Alley makes for some great on-screen chemistry. 3. When in Rome (2002) What could be more glamorous than a European Summer internship at an international corporation headquartered in Rome? The CEO - whose empire reaches from airlines to publishing to music and fashion - is not immediately seen; at first we get the inscrutable head of the Rome office and an internship director who is also a senior VP (who is also a fashion designer) as the main adults. The subject matter makes this a very appealing film for teenage girls; it's jet-set and exciting, aspirational and glitzy with the fashion design & photography aspect thrown in. And of course there's the whole Summer fling thing for one of the girls - and another romance for the aforementioned tycoon for good measure. And the picturesque environs of the city of Rome certainly can't hurt. 2. Passport to Paris (1999) The girls are sent by their parents to sojourn in Paris at their grandfather's mansion, who happens to be the U.S. Ambassador to France. Without giving too much away, their ménage à trois in the capital city with a fashion supermodel and two local boys would be off to a slow start. This is one of their more satisfying efforts. The plot isn't too light. There's likable characters. A good soundtrack. And I love Ashley's bandana. I don't really have a lot to complain about. The gags might not be stellar, but theyydo the job fine. Incidentally, The girls' father is played by Lloyd Braun from Seinfeld. 1. Billboard Dad (1998) How can I talk about this film with mentioning the hilarious, distractingly bad British accent of Nigel - a bald black guy who is the titular dad's agent? Basically the girls deface a blank billboard with a personals ad for their widowed father, an artist and sculptor. While he reluctantly deals with the response he gets, the girls deal with the new kid on the block - a punky skater bad boy who is actually a good guy (he looks the part in his heavy workboots and denims and bleached blond hair). There's a lot to like about this film. Set in the sunny, heavenly paradise that is Venice Boardwalk in L.A., the film is visually attractive. The premise is intriguing. And there is a satisfying story, with the plot drawing you in and keeping you engaged.
In my second-to-last post I talked a bit about Paris Hilton, before listing 8 movies she starred in as a main character and then reviewing them. They were:
The Hottie & The Nottie Bottoms Up Repo! The Genetic Opera Nine Lives The Dog Who Saved Christmas Vacation House of Wax National Lampoon's Pledge This! The Hillz ... But I didn't get to finish - and House of Wax onward I saved for part two. On with the show! House of Wax (2005) Paris' acting is surprisingly good in this. Curious, because it was made one year earlier than Bottoms Up where the quality of her acting seems to have fallen like a metaphorical drop of wax (shite analogy I know, but it's supposed to be apt). This is a really well-made slasher flick. The production values, the acting, the direction and pacing, are all decent. I was genuinely taken aback by the quality of this picture, considering Paris Hilton standards. The set design is astonishing, and it has terrific atmosphere - genuinely frightening and tense. There is a very slight hint of Tucker & Dale vs. Evil to this, specifically to the set-up. Basically a group of young people stop off along the way to their destination in Louisiana. They split up when one of their cars needs a replacement part, and a strange man helps a couple of them into a small town. Don't want to spoil it for you! All you need to know is there's wax involved. 15/20 National Lampoon's Pledge This! (2006) If you like David Lynch films then you might like this. But only in the sense that it's a strange experience and requires some figuring out. You may figure that it is meant to be a college campus comedy in the vein of Real Genius or Back To School or Animal House - which, incidentally, is under the banner of National Lampoon also. However Animal House is popularly thought of as the exemplar, if not greatest frat party movie of all time. So Pledge This! sure does have its work cut out if it wants to compete with this legacy. In part one I stated how The Hottie & The Nottie is a film considered to be one of the worst of all time but shouldn't be. Well, Pledge This! is an example of a film that isn't on that list but should be. With a generous touch of the juvenile gross-out style that was in vogue at the time, Bring It On style bitchiness, nudity, and awkward sapphism, what we have here is a sordid medley that isn't just a terrible movie, but a terrible experience. Visually the movie is sickly with its baby pinks and bleach blondes and diamond-studded stilettos and tiny dogs. I am not being hyperbolic when I say that this was nauseating. Every single character in this is an archetype or a stereotype. There is a fine line between 'racially insensitive' and 'racist' which I think this movie crosses with an Indian character. Where is Hari Kondabolu when you need him? If he hated Apu that much then he'd have a field day with Pledge This!'s one dark-skinned character. And I'm not talking about Paris Hilton, whose fake tan is so orange on the cover that you'd think you weren't watching National Lampoon, but Nickelodeon. I'll spare you the details of the vapid, mirthless plot. (If you really want to subject yourself, this does a really comprehensive job of describing it.) On the other hand, at least it has a plot, as predictable as it is? Suffice it to say, Paris plays the antagonist. Her character is meant to be a pain to watch. But she is herself a pain to watch playing that character. There may be one or two lines that could be conceived as being funny ... but the execution is shaky, and the presentation on the whole, offputting. I had to hunt this one out. I did pay only peanuts for the DVD but that is besides the point. The point is that now the physical copy exists among my possessions. And I can't give it to a charity shop! Stupid fucking lockdown!!! The DVD case is BRIGHT pink and the front cover is ugly, and it's just sitting there on my shelf not going away. If I try to sell it online then who knows how long I'll have to wait before some magnificent imbecile will buy it? Loathe as I am to do so, I think I might have to put it in the bin. (If anyone wants it, I'll send it to you free-of-charge if you live in the U.K.) Its only value is as a curio. Although not one you would want to have in your collection. 6/20 The Hillz (2004) Being set in Beverly Hills, this is a very L.A.-centric movie. And the writer/director himself is from Hollywood Hills - that's two "Hillz" connections. In actual fact, I'm still fuckin confused about whether it's meant to be set in Beverly Hills or Hollywood Hills. I mean, I shouldn't be, because Wikipedia claims Beverly Hills, and the DVD case has a big Beverly Hills sign on it. But the filmed locales just don't don't "feel" very Beverly Hillsey to me. My DVD is the Germany-released one, and part of me suspects the German distributors didn't know or care about the nuances of L.A. geography and just wanted to sell movies. This is not helped by the fact that, hilariously, the front of the case has four hired people pretending to be the main characters in the film - despite not looking a thing like them. However, you do get a little bang for your buck in buying the DVD since it comes with a commentary track (not that I'd advise you to buy it). The back of the case has the gall to compare the film to Boyz N the Hood and A Clockwork Orange, although the director himself admits he rips off way more movies. There's convenience store scenes that won't feel out of place in Menace II Society (other than the fact the characters are rich annoying white people). The plot is basically: A bunch of teenagers from an affluent neighborhood start to act gangsta after one of their number comes across - and keeps - a handgun during a house party (oh yeah, this was straight after he raped a girl). A talented baseball player, another of their number is the only one going off to college; we then skip to a year later when he returns to town to pursue a girl he's been infatuated with for a long time. I find it impossible to recommend this movie either to "hood" film fans or Paris Hilton fans. (Incidentally, she wore so much fake tan in this that the director's cleaning lady complained about having to clean his bathroom after she'd used it.) The subject matter is not at all interesting. The story told is ... crap. With unintentionally campy special effects, there is a real disjunction between how seriously it takes itself and what you see and hear on screen. I think it's also unequivocally gratuitous; the body count is way excessive, and the attempt at a cautionary morality lesson is ineffective and falls flat on its face. The audiovisual effects during the many violent scenes are laughably feeble and shoddy, in fact it reminds me of Adam & Joe's Speeding on the Needle Bliss (in full here: part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5). At least Pledge This! has some redeemable feature in that I can get annoyed at it and shout at the screen. The Hillz doesn't instill any passion in me. Out of the two, I would rather keep the Pledge This! DVD. Years, decades, down the line, The Hillz could conceivably be re-evaluated as a "good" terrible exploitation flick instead of a serious coming-of-age crime drama. I doubt it. But the potential is there for future bad movie buffs and, aside from the inclusion of DVD commentary, that's the only reason I've graded it as high as I have. 5/20 Conclusion Top 3: 1. House of Wax [15/20] Joint 2 & 3. The Hottie & The Nottie [12/20] Joint 2 & 3. Bottoms Up [12/20] So with the average and median scores at around the 10 mark out of 20 (mean = 9.67; median = 10), that makes these movies pretty middling as a whole. Take from that what you will. |
Author"So er, what are you doing this weekend then, Alan?" Archives
February 2023
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