In the last post I mentioned Paris Hilton, and I'll admit that she's something of a guilty pleasure. She's matured from a tabloid It Girl heiress to a savvy but down-to-earth and well-mannered young woman who knows the value of her name, and is focused on building her brand. She is every bit the businesswoman that Kim Kardashian only wishes she could be. You have to respect that, although her career is terribly unfocused and she hasn't developed skill to a particularly professional standard in her endeavors, she is a grafter - which is more than could be said for the Kardashian–Jenners. Her sister Nicky is bemused by the fact that she never ever turns down a paycheck. Aside from reality TV, her endeavors in the entertainment industry alone include singing, acting and DJing.
But did you know she starred in a total of fifteen feature-length movies? Over half of these were non-cameo roles: The Hottie & The Nottie Bottoms Up Repo! The Genetic Opera Nine Lives The Dog Who Saved Christmas Vacation House of Wax National Lampoon's Pledge This! The Hillz Are any of them any good? Let's find out! (One thing: Because I have to wait a while for the Pledge This! and The Hillz DVDs to arrive in the mail, this post has to be split in two.) The Hottie & The Nottie (2008) This movie has joined the list of movies Considered The Worst Ever. To me a movie is bad if it is unengaging and without worth. I have seen WAY WORSE films. What we have here is a not-terrible, lighthearted, brainless, and somewhat enjoyably trashy rom-com B-movie. It was after all shot in only 5 weeks with a $9million budget and produced by Paris Hilton Entertainment. The plot is about a guy who obsesses over a girl he knew from school. He romanticizes her as his lifelong destined match, before tracking her down to ask her out on a date. She agrees on the condition that he find a date for her best friend, the "nottie", who has mangled, discolored teeth, unsightly hairs, infected toenails, and bad skin with a facial mole. Joel David Moore does a terrific job as the lead. And Paris' acting isn't distractingly awful; it's just fine, in fact (an improvement over her Bottoms Up performance). It's still not a great movie - but it can be quite funny in places. At worst it's corny and very average; at best it has a little heart and charm. It is definitely nowhere near "one of the worst films of all time". Not even close. 12/20 Bottoms Up (2006) A sort-of okay, marginally amusing Jason Mewes vehicle. Kevin Smith has a large cameo in this. He really proves his ability to act pretty well. (Perhaps he should STOP making movies and get into acting!) Jason Mewes' performance is weak and he is unable to cease his stoner drawl. But his character I'm not sure is explicitly "a stoner" per se (I think he takes one bong hit in the movie and puffs on a joint). If he was meant to be then it doesn't add anything to the story: In short, Owen (Jason Mewes) comes from a friendship group of wasters - including Kevin Smith's character - but he is a bartender with talent and ambition. He therefore seeks his fortune in L.A. and eventually succeeds in his goals. Like the later Paris Hilton vehicle, The Hottie & the Nottie, this was grossly poorly received. Paris' delivery and acting is underdeveloped here, but it is just as "fun" a movie IMO. It's certainly the more glamorous, if you're into the allure of wild L.A. parties, high society and Hollywood hotties. (Or the idea of them at least.) Her acting may have been better in The Hottie & the Nottie, but that also had a more predictable and formulaic story. I think on balance they're more-or-less as good as each other (again, this is still not a great movie). Though Bottoms Up is more interesting I think. 12/20 Repo! The Genetic Opera (2008) This has an interesting premise. Something about organ transplants becoming widespread in the future, and anyone who defaults on their payments has their organs repossessed. Meanwhile the CEO of the megacorporation that provides these transplants (and employs the repo men) is terminally ill so his kids fight over who gets to inherit. This is an actual opera, so perhaps it's a bit more suited to Paris' skill-set. But I will have to discount this entry. She doesn't get very much screentime to warrant being a "main character" per se, I don't think. I mean she technically kinda is, but it doesn't feel like it. However, she can really sing and she rocks out just as much as anyone on the cast. N/A Nine Lives (2002) A group of old university friends meet up to stay in an isolated country mansion in Scotland. They die. Because it's a horror film. To begin with it all feels a bit like The Big Chill. But without the big-name cast. Or the cool soundtrack. Or the decent script. My god this was boring. I'll save myself the tortuous task of reviewing this by convincing myself that, because Paris' character was the first to die, she isn't exactly a "main character". True, she wasn't killed off until a third of the way in, but up until then she was only a 1/9th of the cast anyway (see the title). So no, I don't have to watch the rest of the movie. N/A The Dog Who Saved Christmas Vacation (2010) I had to rent this from Amazon Prime in order to watch it, and I was expecting very little from this film. I was not disappointed. If I had to think of the least appealing film title that could possibly exist in the whole space-time continuum, The Dog Who Saved Christmas Vacation would be it. This is of course assuming that space and time actually are a continuum. (Don't ask me - I'm dumb enough to watch The Dog Who Saved Christmas Vacation.) I do not need to describe the plot to you. Or anything about the movie. You can surmise everything from the title alone. It is what it is, and it’s exactly what you think it is. It’s Look Who’s Talking Now meets Home Alone. It’s a made-for-TV family Christmas movie with talking dogs and a couple of inept thieves with the Idiot-who-knows-nothing paired with Idiot-who-knows-everything dynamic. This ain’t my kind of movie. But I can’t fault it for what it is. I’m not the best person to judge it, but I guess it’s competently made for the intended audience. If I had to make criticisms from a cinematic perspective, I'd say that the ending is a bit unsatisfying and it concludes a little too easily. Which might be acceptable for the kids ... however they’d otherwise surely find the film’s ski lodge setting monotonous and unexciting and dreary. A feast for the eyes this ain’t. Paris voices a poodle in this. 8/20 House of Wax (2005) To be continued ... .
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