In my second-to-last post I talked a bit about Paris Hilton, before listing 8 movies she starred in as a main character and then reviewing them. They were:
The Hottie & The Nottie Bottoms Up Repo! The Genetic Opera Nine Lives The Dog Who Saved Christmas Vacation House of Wax National Lampoon's Pledge This! The Hillz ... But I didn't get to finish - and House of Wax onward I saved for part two. On with the show! House of Wax (2005) Paris' acting is surprisingly good in this. Curious, because it was made one year earlier than Bottoms Up where the quality of her acting seems to have fallen like a metaphorical drop of wax (shite analogy I know, but it's supposed to be apt). This is a really well-made slasher flick. The production values, the acting, the direction and pacing, are all decent. I was genuinely taken aback by the quality of this picture, considering Paris Hilton standards. The set design is astonishing, and it has terrific atmosphere - genuinely frightening and tense. There is a very slight hint of Tucker & Dale vs. Evil to this, specifically to the set-up. Basically a group of young people stop off along the way to their destination in Louisiana. They split up when one of their cars needs a replacement part, and a strange man helps a couple of them into a small town. Don't want to spoil it for you! All you need to know is there's wax involved. 15/20 National Lampoon's Pledge This! (2006) If you like David Lynch films then you might like this. But only in the sense that it's a strange experience and requires some figuring out. You may figure that it is meant to be a college campus comedy in the vein of Real Genius or Back To School or Animal House - which, incidentally, is under the banner of National Lampoon also. However Animal House is popularly thought of as the exemplar, if not greatest frat party movie of all time. So Pledge This! sure does have its work cut out if it wants to compete with this legacy. In part one I stated how The Hottie & The Nottie is a film considered to be one of the worst of all time but shouldn't be. Well, Pledge This! is an example of a film that isn't on that list but should be. With a generous touch of the juvenile gross-out style that was in vogue at the time, Bring It On style bitchiness, nudity, and awkward sapphism, what we have here is a sordid medley that isn't just a terrible movie, but a terrible experience. Visually the movie is sickly with its baby pinks and bleach blondes and diamond-studded stilettos and tiny dogs. I am not being hyperbolic when I say that this was nauseating. Every single character in this is an archetype or a stereotype. There is a fine line between 'racially insensitive' and 'racist' which I think this movie crosses with an Indian character. Where is Hari Kondabolu when you need him? If he hated Apu that much then he'd have a field day with Pledge This!'s one dark-skinned character. And I'm not talking about Paris Hilton, whose fake tan is so orange on the cover that you'd think you weren't watching National Lampoon, but Nickelodeon. I'll spare you the details of the vapid, mirthless plot. (If you really want to subject yourself, this does a really comprehensive job of describing it.) On the other hand, at least it has a plot, as predictable as it is? Suffice it to say, Paris plays the antagonist. Her character is meant to be a pain to watch. But she is herself a pain to watch playing that character. There may be one or two lines that could be conceived as being funny ... but the execution is shaky, and the presentation on the whole, offputting. I had to hunt this one out. I did pay only peanuts for the DVD but that is besides the point. The point is that now the physical copy exists among my possessions. And I can't give it to a charity shop! Stupid fucking lockdown!!! The DVD case is BRIGHT pink and the front cover is ugly, and it's just sitting there on my shelf not going away. If I try to sell it online then who knows how long I'll have to wait before some magnificent imbecile will buy it? Loathe as I am to do so, I think I might have to put it in the bin. (If anyone wants it, I'll send it to you free-of-charge if you live in the U.K.) Its only value is as a curio. Although not one you would want to have in your collection. 6/20 The Hillz (2004) Being set in Beverly Hills, this is a very L.A.-centric movie. And the writer/director himself is from Hollywood Hills - that's two "Hillz" connections. In actual fact, I'm still fuckin confused about whether it's meant to be set in Beverly Hills or Hollywood Hills. I mean, I shouldn't be, because Wikipedia claims Beverly Hills, and the DVD case has a big Beverly Hills sign on it. But the filmed locales just don't don't "feel" very Beverly Hillsey to me. My DVD is the Germany-released one, and part of me suspects the German distributors didn't know or care about the nuances of L.A. geography and just wanted to sell movies. This is not helped by the fact that, hilariously, the front of the case has four hired people pretending to be the main characters in the film - despite not looking a thing like them. However, you do get a little bang for your buck in buying the DVD since it comes with a commentary track (not that I'd advise you to buy it). The back of the case has the gall to compare the film to Boyz N the Hood and A Clockwork Orange, although the director himself admits he rips off way more movies. There's convenience store scenes that won't feel out of place in Menace II Society (other than the fact the characters are rich annoying white people). The plot is basically: A bunch of teenagers from an affluent neighborhood start to act gangsta after one of their number comes across - and keeps - a handgun during a house party (oh yeah, this was straight after he raped a girl). A talented baseball player, another of their number is the only one going off to college; we then skip to a year later when he returns to town to pursue a girl he's been infatuated with for a long time. I find it impossible to recommend this movie either to "hood" film fans or Paris Hilton fans. (Incidentally, she wore so much fake tan in this that the director's cleaning lady complained about having to clean his bathroom after she'd used it.) The subject matter is not at all interesting. The story told is ... crap. With unintentionally campy special effects, there is a real disjunction between how seriously it takes itself and what you see and hear on screen. I think it's also unequivocally gratuitous; the body count is way excessive, and the attempt at a cautionary morality lesson is ineffective and falls flat on its face. The audiovisual effects during the many violent scenes are laughably feeble and shoddy, in fact it reminds me of Adam & Joe's Speeding on the Needle Bliss (in full here: part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5). At least Pledge This! has some redeemable feature in that I can get annoyed at it and shout at the screen. The Hillz doesn't instill any passion in me. Out of the two, I would rather keep the Pledge This! DVD. Years, decades, down the line, The Hillz could conceivably be re-evaluated as a "good" terrible exploitation flick instead of a serious coming-of-age crime drama. I doubt it. But the potential is there for future bad movie buffs and, aside from the inclusion of DVD commentary, that's the only reason I've graded it as high as I have. 5/20 Conclusion Top 3: 1. House of Wax [15/20] Joint 2 & 3. The Hottie & The Nottie [12/20] Joint 2 & 3. Bottoms Up [12/20] So with the average and median scores at around the 10 mark out of 20 (mean = 9.67; median = 10), that makes these movies pretty middling as a whole. Take from that what you will.
0 Comments
This entry is intended as filler while I wait for my The Hillz DVD to fuckin arrive (see last post). Previously I did posts recommending some Hallmark Christmas movies and recommended and reviewed movies from The Asylum. So I'll take this opportunity to mention one or two more.
200 mph Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus Christmas at the Palace A Royal Winter 200 mph (2011) I actually hadn't seen this film at the time of writing the original post. Had I done so it would have gone on the list. 200 mph is the second of three films made by The Asylum to capitalize on films from the The Fast and the Furious franchise. They were, in chronological order: Street Racer (The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift); 200 mph (Fast Five); and The Fast and the Fierce (The Fate of the Furious). Set in the world of L.A. street racing, Rick Merchant is the first of his family to get to go to college. Tragedy strikes when his older brother is killed. Rick swears to avenge him in a street race against drug kingpin Kayce. With his trusted band of friends he mods his car, yet its maximum speed is still not high enough ... so he will have to rely on his skill when the race comes. Oh yeah, and his mother's a stripper. As well as his girlfriend. We are in no confusion over who the bad guy is. He's a big black dude who drives a black car. And he's wearing a bandana (black) just to hint to the audience of his criminality, in case not obvious enough. In actual fact, he does get a bit rapey at one point. It's by no means penetration-rape, but it's the kind of sexual assault where he pursues the lady across the city as she motorbikes away from him and his "nasal advances". And as well as the villainous Kayce there is also a bent copper played by Paul Logan (Mega Piranha, #1 Cheerleader Camp). His character may not ever get his just desserts, but his presence enriches the story at any rate. This is one of the better-executed efforts from The Asylum. The writing is top notch. The action is tightly choreographed and exciting. There's real heart to the story. It's acted decently well. Although, apparently, there are continuity errors in this film with car models changing and cars being called other names. But I didn't notice. It's likely only going to bother the car enthusiasts anyway, and not to anyone like myself to whom a car is just a metal box to get you from A to B. If you like your hi-octane action and adrenalin-pumping thrills with a lot of heart and charm, this is it. It doesn't feel as cheap as the money it cost to make. 16/20 Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (2009) Two prehistoric creatures hibernating in a glacier are freed - and it is up to oceanographer Emma MacNeil and Japanese scientist Dr. Seiji Shimada to work alongside the navy to destroy them before they do any more damage to human life. Debbie ("Deborah") Gibson undoubtedly steals the show in this. She only gets better with age; and unhindered by dorky hats and a say in her own wardrobe, she pulls off the sexy scientist look just by being Debbie Gibson (sorry, 'Deborah'). The film itself starts off well, having a blossoming romance between the two lead protagonists that enrichens the story (despite a not-the-best romantic chemistry between them). There's also other story detail that creates enough satisfying drama to set up the rest of the film. But by the midway point, it all begins to blur, which for me is the film's biggest downfall. It's the portion of the film with the most action and it's hard to keep up with what's going on. Knowing vaguely isn't good enough - a film of this type really needs to grip the audience during the final act. As a consequence, I find it a frustrating film - I don't like the second half, but I do like the first half. 13/20 Christmas at the Palace (2018) To boost the widowed King Alexander's image in his country - the fake European nation of San Senova - Princess Christina suggests a Christmas ice skating pageant. As fortune would have it, Katie (the angelic Merritt Patterson) is a former professional figure skater who is visiting San Senova with her friend Jessica. Time is not on their side however; furthermore Katie and Jessica plan to open their own ice rink back home - will their hunt for a venue interfere with coaching the princess and choreographing the show? There is good chemistry between Katie and the King. Kisses are shared, despite Katie ostensibly not being around long enough for anything more to develop. Subtlety is not sacrificed in the main romance, which also hasn't been diluted by the father-daughter relationship, or a budding side romance, rather it all feels pretty cohesive. This film had to have SOMETHING original to distinguish it from previous efforts, but ice skating isn't the most exciting thing in the world. Nonetheless, we do have a cute kid, a Christmassy palace, and (innocent?) flirtation on a holiday romance. So while it wouldn't knock anything off my previous list, it's still fairly good and well-made and everything. Honorable mention: A Royal Winter (2017) Out-of-work law graduate Maggie (Merritt Patterson, again) gets dragged along on holiday to the fake European country of Calpurnia (Southwest of the French Alps). Soon a handsome, charming young man woos her with magic tricks and they date. He is of course the prince - and is soon due to be crowned. Prince Adrian turns out to have a philanthropic side, not only having set up a foundation for underprivileged children to do volleyball and choir practice, but also being involved in its day-to-day activities. The queen (Samantha Bond), already unimpressed with Maggie's faux pas during dinner, is eager to keep the whiff of scandal away from the press in the light of Maggie's status as a commoner. It may be too late, however, as the tabloids catch wind of the blossoming romance. Already in the shadow of his father, will Adrian be able to work out how to attend to his duties as king? Technically this is a Winter film rather than a Christmas one, so it had to be relegated to 'honorable mention' status. Nonetheless I like it a bit better than Christmas at the Palace. It's a film that takes its time with the blooming romance more than the aforementioned. And the way the prince woos her is pretty cool. (One niggling criticism; it always irks me whenever the widowed queen is addressed 'Majesty' as that title should be for the monarch, shouldn't it? The old king is dead and the new one hasn't been crowned yet?) In the last post I mentioned Paris Hilton, and I'll admit that she's something of a guilty pleasure. She's matured from a tabloid It Girl heiress to a savvy but down-to-earth and well-mannered young woman who knows the value of her name, and is focused on building her brand. She is every bit the businesswoman that Kim Kardashian only wishes she could be. You have to respect that, although her career is terribly unfocused and she hasn't developed skill to a particularly professional standard in her endeavors, she is a grafter - which is more than could be said for the Kardashian–Jenners. Her sister Nicky is bemused by the fact that she never ever turns down a paycheck. Aside from reality TV, her endeavors in the entertainment industry alone include singing, acting and DJing.
But did you know she starred in a total of fifteen feature-length movies? Over half of these were non-cameo roles: The Hottie & The Nottie Bottoms Up Repo! The Genetic Opera Nine Lives The Dog Who Saved Christmas Vacation House of Wax National Lampoon's Pledge This! The Hillz Are any of them any good? Let's find out! (One thing: Because I have to wait a while for the Pledge This! and The Hillz DVDs to arrive in the mail, this post has to be split in two.) The Hottie & The Nottie (2008) This movie has joined the list of movies Considered The Worst Ever. To me a movie is bad if it is unengaging and without worth. I have seen WAY WORSE films. What we have here is a not-terrible, lighthearted, brainless, and somewhat enjoyably trashy rom-com B-movie. It was after all shot in only 5 weeks with a $9million budget and produced by Paris Hilton Entertainment. The plot is about a guy who obsesses over a girl he knew from school. He romanticizes her as his lifelong destined match, before tracking her down to ask her out on a date. She agrees on the condition that he find a date for her best friend, the "nottie", who has mangled, discolored teeth, unsightly hairs, infected toenails, and bad skin with a facial mole. Joel David Moore does a terrific job as the lead. And Paris' acting isn't distractingly awful; it's just fine, in fact (an improvement over her Bottoms Up performance). It's still not a great movie - but it can be quite funny in places. At worst it's corny and very average; at best it has a little heart and charm. It is definitely nowhere near "one of the worst films of all time". Not even close. 12/20 Bottoms Up (2006) A sort-of okay, marginally amusing Jason Mewes vehicle. Kevin Smith has a large cameo in this. He really proves his ability to act pretty well. (Perhaps he should STOP making movies and get into acting!) Jason Mewes' performance is weak and he is unable to cease his stoner drawl. But his character I'm not sure is explicitly "a stoner" per se (I think he takes one bong hit in the movie and puffs on a joint). If he was meant to be then it doesn't add anything to the story: In short, Owen (Jason Mewes) comes from a friendship group of wasters - including Kevin Smith's character - but he is a bartender with talent and ambition. He therefore seeks his fortune in L.A. and eventually succeeds in his goals. Like the later Paris Hilton vehicle, The Hottie & the Nottie, this was grossly poorly received. Paris' delivery and acting is underdeveloped here, but it is just as "fun" a movie IMO. It's certainly the more glamorous, if you're into the allure of wild L.A. parties, high society and Hollywood hotties. (Or the idea of them at least.) Her acting may have been better in The Hottie & the Nottie, but that also had a more predictable and formulaic story. I think on balance they're more-or-less as good as each other (again, this is still not a great movie). Though Bottoms Up is more interesting I think. 12/20 Repo! The Genetic Opera (2008) This has an interesting premise. Something about organ transplants becoming widespread in the future, and anyone who defaults on their payments has their organs repossessed. Meanwhile the CEO of the megacorporation that provides these transplants (and employs the repo men) is terminally ill so his kids fight over who gets to inherit. This is an actual opera, so perhaps it's a bit more suited to Paris' skill-set. But I will have to discount this entry. She doesn't get very much screentime to warrant being a "main character" per se, I don't think. I mean she technically kinda is, but it doesn't feel like it. However, she can really sing and she rocks out just as much as anyone on the cast. N/A Nine Lives (2002) A group of old university friends meet up to stay in an isolated country mansion in Scotland. They die. Because it's a horror film. To begin with it all feels a bit like The Big Chill. But without the big-name cast. Or the cool soundtrack. Or the decent script. My god this was boring. I'll save myself the tortuous task of reviewing this by convincing myself that, because Paris' character was the first to die, she isn't exactly a "main character". True, she wasn't killed off until a third of the way in, but up until then she was only a 1/9th of the cast anyway (see the title). So no, I don't have to watch the rest of the movie. N/A The Dog Who Saved Christmas Vacation (2010) I had to rent this from Amazon Prime in order to watch it, and I was expecting very little from this film. I was not disappointed. If I had to think of the least appealing film title that could possibly exist in the whole space-time continuum, The Dog Who Saved Christmas Vacation would be it. This is of course assuming that space and time actually are a continuum. (Don't ask me - I'm dumb enough to watch The Dog Who Saved Christmas Vacation.) I do not need to describe the plot to you. Or anything about the movie. You can surmise everything from the title alone. It is what it is, and it’s exactly what you think it is. It’s Look Who’s Talking Now meets Home Alone. It’s a made-for-TV family Christmas movie with talking dogs and a couple of inept thieves with the Idiot-who-knows-nothing paired with Idiot-who-knows-everything dynamic. This ain’t my kind of movie. But I can’t fault it for what it is. I’m not the best person to judge it, but I guess it’s competently made for the intended audience. If I had to make criticisms from a cinematic perspective, I'd say that the ending is a bit unsatisfying and it concludes a little too easily. Which might be acceptable for the kids ... however they’d otherwise surely find the film’s ski lodge setting monotonous and unexciting and dreary. A feast for the eyes this ain’t. Paris voices a poodle in this. 8/20 House of Wax (2005) To be continued ... . As we're all stuck "in detention" in our homes let us take a moment to consider this.
The Bro Using macro-dominant food choices, his lunch would be weighed and measured to the last gram to ensure his intake equals his required caloric baseline. Instead of a can of Coke like the others enjoyed, he'd opt for his prebiotic protein shake made from chia seeds. And in a moment of emotional openness he’d recount how his father would pummel him and yell, “BRO, DO YOU EVEN LIFT!?” The Celebutante Could be a long-lost Kardashian or a protégé of the Hilton dynasty, she wouldn’t get driven to school by her father - rather she’d drive herself in her pink Bentley (with diamante dashboard). Her lunch would consist of activated cashews, avocado on toasted charcoal powder sourdough, and a kale and quinoa smoothie. And she’d eat it through her mechanically pumped-up lips. The Startup Whizz The butt of classroom jokes, he’d make his first million while sitting in detention after his mother (and sister) ordered him to use the time to his advantage. He is uninterested in the considerable number of girlfriends he has in the Niagara Falls area, rather he is more interested in meeting hot Asian singles to become his future wife. The Troll Without any goals or direction in life, he’d spend his plentiful free time mocking others for his own amusement; and the reason he’s in detention is because he live-streamed a prank the authorities deemed went too far. His fondness for red plaid shirts with the sleeves ripped off means he is sometimes mistaken for a hipster, much to his indignation. The Otaku A perceived outcast of mainstream society, she bemoans the parenting skills of the Boomer generation. She had gotten into trouble when she one day ran away to get a tattoo done out-of-state - however this was tinged with tragedy, as she did it to hide self-harm scars. Her appearance is much the same as Allison, but with asymmetric sideswept hair and a Hello Kitty tattoo. Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, The Lockdown Club. In my last-post-but-one I mentioned in passing The Asylum. They are known for cheaply-produced movies written off as knockoffs of whatever the bigger-budget ones being released at around the same time are. The Asylum provide an endless list of similar-themed and/or similar-named movies every year like a production factory. (Although they do produce a smattering of their own original titles.)
To the chagrin of bad movie buffs their CGI has improved massively in the past few years. But what they have consistently done well are intricately planned out plots. ... The storytelling just tends to be utterly convoluted with too many plot beats, or is too linearly paced, the characterization too generic, and the dialogue cheesy and unnatural. They are loved as well as loathed, but definitely more so the latter, and it is often a real challenge just to sit through an Asylum film. I pride myself on my ability to give up on books I don't find engaging. And the opposite with films. So here's a list of Asylum films that kept me watching all the way until the end. Sunday School Musical 18-Year-Old Virgin Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus #1 Cheerleader Camp Nazis at the Center of the Earth Mega Piranha Sex Pot Mega Python vs. Gatoroid Pirates of Treasure Island The Da Vinci Treasure Sunday School Musical I doubt I'd ever see High School Musical any time soon, but I imagine I won't enjoy it as much as its bastard sibling Sunday School Musical. It's very competently made. The pacing is fine. The musical numbers aren't awful. The actors have charisma and get you to root for them. And - from the now-defunct Faith Films division - its religious undertones aren't overdone in any way. Well done, The Asylum. 15/20 18-Year-Old Virgin The Asylum disaster movies are really grueling to watch most of the time. Not merely out of just "badness". They often jump into the action rather than gradually progressing in pacing and intensity. So it's a pity that so much of their output is in that genre. That is why I appreciate it when The Asylum explores other genres. With 18-Year-Old Virgin we have a passable teen romp. It has some genuinely funny moments, and even some heart if you can look past its cheapness. 17/20 Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus This is the sequel to Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. And although it no longer stars Debbie Gibson (though a "battleship" is named in her honor), we have more varied environments; from jungle and savanna, to ocean, to city. Put simply, this is well made. By Asylum standards. The film does a good job of focusing on a few main characters to follow with. There is an Allan Quatermain type character; and Robert Picardo (playing an admiral), as always, exudes a commanding presence. It's well-paced throughout. Just what you need in an action flick. 14.5/20 #1 Cheerleader Camp A brainless adolescent romp, this is raunchier than Fired Up, the movie that this was made in order to capitalize on, though both are as juvenile as each other. #1 Cheerleader Camp just happens to have more tits. Though unashamedly gratuitous, it can be quite funny in places (for The Asylum, at least) if you'll forgive the gags you see coming a mile off. What is most egregious for me in a film is when it is too much of a bore to sit through - which certainly this ain't. 12/20 Nazis at the Center of the Earth This is a film that has to be seen to be believed. 20/20 Mega Piranha Paul Logan is Fitch, the stereotypical man-of-action, although obviously the main selling-point of this movie is the gorgeous Tiffany. Considering that The Asylum's disaster movies are so numerous, here is a scarce example of when they do it well. Tension is built up through masterly choreography and slick editing. Quick cuts, shaky cam, fast-mo, character bio captions, a dramatic score; these all help to create excitement and drama. It really is enough to mitigate the effect of bad CGI. 12/20 Sex Pot A not-wholly-unenjoyable stoner movie, it would be a stretch to call this a mockbuster per se, though it no doubt capitalizes on Pineapple Express and the second Harold & Kumar film, both released the previous year. If anything, this beat the third Harold & Kumar film to the punch being released in 3D. Only marginally less gratuitous than #1 Cheerleader Camp, it has more of a sense of adventure. And a more satisfying resolution. Its gags don't fall flat on their face quite as frequently, and the two lead actors both have a nice, watchable screen charisma. 14.5/20 Mega Python vs. Gatoroid This has BOTH Tiffany and Debbie Gibson! AND THEY FIGHT EACH OTHER!!!!!!!!! 'Nuff said. Unconvincing CGI could be forgiven if at the very least the action is exciting; Mega Python vs. Gatoroid succeeds in this area, and rarely drags - as most of this subgenre of The Asylum's frequently does. Considerably more convincing is the exotic locale of the Everglades, especially having been shot in L.A. Just don't take this film any more seriously than a consciously cheesy B-movie with a smidgen of pop-culture nostalgia thrown in. 16/20 Pirates of Treasure Island Released to cash in on the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie but obviously it's based more on Treasure Island. There are many key differentiators, however: Jim Hawkins is not a boy but a young man (with a love interest); on the island are colossal-sized creatures; and on board the ship there are women. Obviously it's cheap, but cheap doesn't necessarily equal bad. The story moves along at a nice pace. The subject matter of pirates is something always thrilling for all the family. It's got adventure. It's got period costumes. It's got treasure maps, choppy waters, betrayal, swordplay and Lance Henriksen. One thing it isn't, is deadeningly dull. Just try to look past the anachronistic-looking costumes. Captain Smollete's French accent is really offputtingly terrible, however. And for some bizarre reason Long John Silver has an Irish accent - although Lance Henriksen pulls it off impressively well. 11/20 The Da Vinci Treasure If Nazis at the Center of the Earth was better than the sketchy Iron Sky, then another example of an Asylum movie being better than the big-budget movie it was "ripping off" is The Da Vinci Treasure. Its mixture of action-adventure-mystery-thriller is less sombre and portentous than The Da Vinci Code, and all the better for it. It is simple, hi-octane, globetrotting, uncontroversial, scavenger-hunt fun. Lead actor C. Thomas Howell has probably had enough of controversy anyway, ever since he starred in Soul Man. And Lance Henriksen is perfectly cast as the thuggish bad guy. He totally looks the part. 14/20 |
Author"So er, what are you doing this weekend then, Alan?" Archives
February 2023
Categories |