In my last-post-but-one I mentioned in passing The Asylum. They are known for cheaply-produced movies written off as knockoffs of whatever the bigger-budget ones being released at around the same time are. The Asylum provide an endless list of similar-themed and/or similar-named movies every year like a production factory. (Although they do produce a smattering of their own original titles.)
To the chagrin of bad movie buffs their CGI has improved massively in the past few years. But what they have consistently done well are intricately planned out plots. ... The storytelling just tends to be utterly convoluted with too many plot beats, or is too linearly paced, the characterization too generic, and the dialogue cheesy and unnatural. They are loved as well as loathed, but definitely more so the latter, and it is often a real challenge just to sit through an Asylum film. I pride myself on my ability to give up on books I don't find engaging. And the opposite with films. So here's a list of Asylum films that kept me watching all the way until the end. Sunday School Musical 18-Year-Old Virgin Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus #1 Cheerleader Camp Nazis at the Center of the Earth Mega Piranha Sex Pot Mega Python vs. Gatoroid Pirates of Treasure Island The Da Vinci Treasure Sunday School Musical I doubt I'd ever see High School Musical any time soon, but I imagine I won't enjoy it as much as its bastard sibling Sunday School Musical. It's very competently made. The pacing is fine. The musical numbers aren't awful. The actors have charisma and get you to root for them. And - from the now-defunct Faith Films division - its religious undertones aren't overdone in any way. Well done, The Asylum. 15/20 18-Year-Old Virgin The Asylum disaster movies are really grueling to watch most of the time. Not merely out of just "badness". They often jump into the action rather than gradually progressing in pacing and intensity. So it's a pity that so much of their output is in that genre. That is why I appreciate it when The Asylum explores other genres. With 18-Year-Old Virgin we have a passable teen romp. It has some genuinely funny moments, and even some heart if you can look past its cheapness. 17/20 Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus This is the sequel to Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. And although it no longer stars Debbie Gibson (though a "battleship" is named in her honor), we have more varied environments; from jungle and savanna, to ocean, to city. Put simply, this is well made. By Asylum standards. The film does a good job of focusing on a few main characters to follow with. There is an Allan Quatermain type character; and Robert Picardo (playing an admiral), as always, exudes a commanding presence. It's well-paced throughout. Just what you need in an action flick. 14.5/20 #1 Cheerleader Camp A brainless adolescent romp, this is raunchier than Fired Up, the movie that this was made in order to capitalize on, though both are as juvenile as each other. #1 Cheerleader Camp just happens to have more tits. Though unashamedly gratuitous, it can be quite funny in places (for The Asylum, at least) if you'll forgive the gags you see coming a mile off. What is most egregious for me in a film is when it is too much of a bore to sit through - which certainly this ain't. 12/20 Nazis at the Center of the Earth This is a film that has to be seen to be believed. 20/20 Mega Piranha Paul Logan is Fitch, the stereotypical man-of-action, although obviously the main selling-point of this movie is the gorgeous Tiffany. Considering that The Asylum's disaster movies are so numerous, here is a scarce example of when they do it well. Tension is built up through masterly choreography and slick editing. Quick cuts, shaky cam, fast-mo, character bio captions, a dramatic score; these all help to create excitement and drama. It really is enough to mitigate the effect of bad CGI. 12/20 Sex Pot A not-wholly-unenjoyable stoner movie, it would be a stretch to call this a mockbuster per se, though it no doubt capitalizes on Pineapple Express and the second Harold & Kumar film, both released the previous year. If anything, this beat the third Harold & Kumar film to the punch being released in 3D. Only marginally less gratuitous than #1 Cheerleader Camp, it has more of a sense of adventure. And a more satisfying resolution. Its gags don't fall flat on their face quite as frequently, and the two lead actors both have a nice, watchable screen charisma. 14.5/20 Mega Python vs. Gatoroid This has BOTH Tiffany and Debbie Gibson! AND THEY FIGHT EACH OTHER!!!!!!!!! 'Nuff said. Unconvincing CGI could be forgiven if at the very least the action is exciting; Mega Python vs. Gatoroid succeeds in this area, and rarely drags - as most of this subgenre of The Asylum's frequently does. Considerably more convincing is the exotic locale of the Everglades, especially having been shot in L.A. Just don't take this film any more seriously than a consciously cheesy B-movie with a smidgen of pop-culture nostalgia thrown in. 16/20 Pirates of Treasure Island Released to cash in on the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie but obviously it's based more on Treasure Island. There are many key differentiators, however: Jim Hawkins is not a boy but a young man (with a love interest); on the island are colossal-sized creatures; and on board the ship there are women. Obviously it's cheap, but cheap doesn't necessarily equal bad. The story moves along at a nice pace. The subject matter of pirates is something always thrilling for all the family. It's got adventure. It's got period costumes. It's got treasure maps, choppy waters, betrayal, swordplay and Lance Henriksen. One thing it isn't, is deadeningly dull. Just try to look past the anachronistic-looking costumes. Captain Smollete's French accent is really offputtingly terrible, however. And for some bizarre reason Long John Silver has an Irish accent - although Lance Henriksen pulls it off impressively well. 11/20 The Da Vinci Treasure If Nazis at the Center of the Earth was better than the sketchy Iron Sky, then another example of an Asylum movie being better than the big-budget movie it was "ripping off" is The Da Vinci Treasure. Its mixture of action-adventure-mystery-thriller is less sombre and portentous than The Da Vinci Code, and all the better for it. It is simple, hi-octane, globetrotting, uncontroversial, scavenger-hunt fun. Lead actor C. Thomas Howell has probably had enough of controversy anyway, ever since he starred in Soul Man. And Lance Henriksen is perfectly cast as the thuggish bad guy. He totally looks the part. 14/20
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