In my second-to-last post I talked a bit about Paris Hilton, before listing 8 movies she starred in as a main character and then reviewing them. They were:
The Hottie & The Nottie Bottoms Up Repo! The Genetic Opera Nine Lives The Dog Who Saved Christmas Vacation House of Wax National Lampoon's Pledge This! The Hillz ... But I didn't get to finish - and House of Wax onward I saved for part two. On with the show! House of Wax (2005) Paris' acting is surprisingly good in this. Curious, because it was made one year earlier than Bottoms Up where the quality of her acting seems to have fallen like a metaphorical drop of wax (shite analogy I know, but it's supposed to be apt). This is a really well-made slasher flick. The production values, the acting, the direction and pacing, are all decent. I was genuinely taken aback by the quality of this picture, considering Paris Hilton standards. The set design is astonishing, and it has terrific atmosphere - genuinely frightening and tense. There is a very slight hint of Tucker & Dale vs. Evil to this, specifically to the set-up. Basically a group of young people stop off along the way to their destination in Louisiana. They split up when one of their cars needs a replacement part, and a strange man helps a couple of them into a small town. Don't want to spoil it for you! All you need to know is there's wax involved. 15/20 National Lampoon's Pledge This! (2006) If you like David Lynch films then you might like this. But only in the sense that it's a strange experience and requires some figuring out. You may figure that it is meant to be a college campus comedy in the vein of Real Genius or Back To School or Animal House - which, incidentally, is under the banner of National Lampoon also. However Animal House is popularly thought of as the exemplar, if not greatest frat party movie of all time. So Pledge This! sure does have its work cut out if it wants to compete with this legacy. In part one I stated how The Hottie & The Nottie is a film considered to be one of the worst of all time but shouldn't be. Well, Pledge This! is an example of a film that isn't on that list but should be. With a generous touch of the juvenile gross-out style that was in vogue at the time, Bring It On style bitchiness, nudity, and awkward sapphism, what we have here is a sordid medley that isn't just a terrible movie, but a terrible experience. Visually the movie is sickly with its baby pinks and bleach blondes and diamond-studded stilettos and tiny dogs. I am not being hyperbolic when I say that this was nauseating. Every single character in this is an archetype or a stereotype. There is a fine line between 'racially insensitive' and 'racist' which I think this movie crosses with an Indian character. Where is Hari Kondabolu when you need him? If he hated Apu that much then he'd have a field day with Pledge This!'s one dark-skinned character. And I'm not talking about Paris Hilton, whose fake tan is so orange on the cover that you'd think you weren't watching National Lampoon, but Nickelodeon. I'll spare you the details of the vapid, mirthless plot. (If you really want to subject yourself, this does a really comprehensive job of describing it.) On the other hand, at least it has a plot, as predictable as it is? Suffice it to say, Paris plays the antagonist. Her character is meant to be a pain to watch. But she is herself a pain to watch playing that character. There may be one or two lines that could be conceived as being funny ... but the execution is shaky, and the presentation on the whole, offputting. I had to hunt this one out. I did pay only peanuts for the DVD but that is besides the point. The point is that now the physical copy exists among my possessions. And I can't give it to a charity shop! Stupid fucking lockdown!!! The DVD case is BRIGHT pink and the front cover is ugly, and it's just sitting there on my shelf not going away. If I try to sell it online then who knows how long I'll have to wait before some magnificent imbecile will buy it? Loathe as I am to do so, I think I might have to put it in the bin. (If anyone wants it, I'll send it to you free-of-charge if you live in the U.K.) Its only value is as a curio. Although not one you would want to have in your collection. 6/20 The Hillz (2004) Being set in Beverly Hills, this is a very L.A.-centric movie. And the writer/director himself is from Hollywood Hills - that's two "Hillz" connections. In actual fact, I'm still fuckin confused about whether it's meant to be set in Beverly Hills or Hollywood Hills. I mean, I shouldn't be, because Wikipedia claims Beverly Hills, and the DVD case has a big Beverly Hills sign on it. But the filmed locales just don't don't "feel" very Beverly Hillsey to me. My DVD is the Germany-released one, and part of me suspects the German distributors didn't know or care about the nuances of L.A. geography and just wanted to sell movies. This is not helped by the fact that, hilariously, the front of the case has four hired people pretending to be the main characters in the film - despite not looking a thing like them. However, you do get a little bang for your buck in buying the DVD since it comes with a commentary track (not that I'd advise you to buy it). The back of the case has the gall to compare the film to Boyz N the Hood and A Clockwork Orange, although the director himself admits he rips off way more movies. There's convenience store scenes that won't feel out of place in Menace II Society (other than the fact the characters are rich annoying white people). The plot is basically: A bunch of teenagers from an affluent neighborhood start to act gangsta after one of their number comes across - and keeps - a handgun during a house party (oh yeah, this was straight after he raped a girl). A talented baseball player, another of their number is the only one going off to college; we then skip to a year later when he returns to town to pursue a girl he's been infatuated with for a long time. I find it impossible to recommend this movie either to "hood" film fans or Paris Hilton fans. (Incidentally, she wore so much fake tan in this that the director's cleaning lady complained about having to clean his bathroom after she'd used it.) The subject matter is not at all interesting. The story told is ... crap. With unintentionally campy special effects, there is a real disjunction between how seriously it takes itself and what you see and hear on screen. I think it's also unequivocally gratuitous; the body count is way excessive, and the attempt at a cautionary morality lesson is ineffective and falls flat on its face. The audiovisual effects during the many violent scenes are laughably feeble and shoddy, in fact it reminds me of Adam & Joe's Speeding on the Needle Bliss (in full here: part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5). At least Pledge This! has some redeemable feature in that I can get annoyed at it and shout at the screen. The Hillz doesn't instill any passion in me. Out of the two, I would rather keep the Pledge This! DVD. Years, decades, down the line, The Hillz could conceivably be re-evaluated as a "good" terrible exploitation flick instead of a serious coming-of-age crime drama. I doubt it. But the potential is there for future bad movie buffs and, aside from the inclusion of DVD commentary, that's the only reason I've graded it as high as I have. 5/20 Conclusion Top 3: 1. House of Wax [15/20] Joint 2 & 3. The Hottie & The Nottie [12/20] Joint 2 & 3. Bottoms Up [12/20] So with the average and median scores at around the 10 mark out of 20 (mean = 9.67; median = 10), that makes these movies pretty middling as a whole. Take from that what you will.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Author"So er, what are you doing this weekend then, Alan?" Archives
February 2023
Categories |