This entry is intended as filler while I wait for my The Hillz DVD to fuckin arrive (see last post). Previously I did posts recommending some Hallmark Christmas movies and recommended and reviewed movies from The Asylum. So I'll take this opportunity to mention one or two more.
200 mph Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus Christmas at the Palace A Royal Winter 200 mph (2011) I actually hadn't seen this film at the time of writing the original post. Had I done so it would have gone on the list. 200 mph is the second of three films made by The Asylum to capitalize on films from the The Fast and the Furious franchise. They were, in chronological order: Street Racer (The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift); 200 mph (Fast Five); and The Fast and the Fierce (The Fate of the Furious). Set in the world of L.A. street racing, Rick Merchant is the first of his family to get to go to college. Tragedy strikes when his older brother is killed. Rick swears to avenge him in a street race against drug kingpin Kayce. With his trusted band of friends he mods his car, yet its maximum speed is still not high enough ... so he will have to rely on his skill when the race comes. Oh yeah, and his mother's a stripper. As well as his girlfriend. We are in no confusion over who the bad guy is. He's a big black dude who drives a black car. And he's wearing a bandana (black) just to hint to the audience of his criminality, in case not obvious enough. In actual fact, he does get a bit rapey at one point. It's by no means penetration-rape, but it's the kind of sexual assault where he pursues the lady across the city as she motorbikes away from him and his "nasal advances". And as well as the villainous Kayce there is also a bent copper played by Paul Logan (Mega Piranha, #1 Cheerleader Camp). His character may not ever get his just desserts, but his presence enriches the story at any rate. This is one of the better-executed efforts from The Asylum. The writing is top notch. The action is tightly choreographed and exciting. There's real heart to the story. It's acted decently well. Although, apparently, there are continuity errors in this film with car models changing and cars being called other names. But I didn't notice. It's likely only going to bother the car enthusiasts anyway, and not to anyone like myself to whom a car is just a metal box to get you from A to B. If you like your hi-octane action and adrenalin-pumping thrills with a lot of heart and charm, this is it. It doesn't feel as cheap as the money it cost to make. 16/20 Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus (2009) Two prehistoric creatures hibernating in a glacier are freed - and it is up to oceanographer Emma MacNeil and Japanese scientist Dr. Seiji Shimada to work alongside the navy to destroy them before they do any more damage to human life. Debbie ("Deborah") Gibson undoubtedly steals the show in this. She only gets better with age; and unhindered by dorky hats and a say in her own wardrobe, she pulls off the sexy scientist look just by being Debbie Gibson (sorry, 'Deborah'). The film itself starts off well, having a blossoming romance between the two lead protagonists that enrichens the story (despite a not-the-best romantic chemistry between them). There's also other story detail that creates enough satisfying drama to set up the rest of the film. But by the midway point, it all begins to blur, which for me is the film's biggest downfall. It's the portion of the film with the most action and it's hard to keep up with what's going on. Knowing vaguely isn't good enough - a film of this type really needs to grip the audience during the final act. As a consequence, I find it a frustrating film - I don't like the second half, but I do like the first half. 13/20 Christmas at the Palace (2018) To boost the widowed King Alexander's image in his country - the fake European nation of San Senova - Princess Christina suggests a Christmas ice skating pageant. As fortune would have it, Katie (the angelic Merritt Patterson) is a former professional figure skater who is visiting San Senova with her friend Jessica. Time is not on their side however; furthermore Katie and Jessica plan to open their own ice rink back home - will their hunt for a venue interfere with coaching the princess and choreographing the show? There is good chemistry between Katie and the King. Kisses are shared, despite Katie ostensibly not being around long enough for anything more to develop. Subtlety is not sacrificed in the main romance, which also hasn't been diluted by the father-daughter relationship, or a budding side romance, rather it all feels pretty cohesive. This film had to have SOMETHING original to distinguish it from previous efforts, but ice skating isn't the most exciting thing in the world. Nonetheless, we do have a cute kid, a Christmassy palace, and (innocent?) flirtation on a holiday romance. So while it wouldn't knock anything off my previous list, it's still fairly good and well-made and everything. Honorable mention: A Royal Winter (2017) Out-of-work law graduate Maggie (Merritt Patterson, again) gets dragged along on holiday to the fake European country of Calpurnia (Southwest of the French Alps). Soon a handsome, charming young man woos her with magic tricks and they date. He is of course the prince - and is soon due to be crowned. Prince Adrian turns out to have a philanthropic side, not only having set up a foundation for underprivileged children to do volleyball and choir practice, but also being involved in its day-to-day activities. The queen (Samantha Bond), already unimpressed with Maggie's faux pas during dinner, is eager to keep the whiff of scandal away from the press in the light of Maggie's status as a commoner. It may be too late, however, as the tabloids catch wind of the blossoming romance. Already in the shadow of his father, will Adrian be able to work out how to attend to his duties as king? Technically this is a Winter film rather than a Christmas one, so it had to be relegated to 'honorable mention' status. Nonetheless I like it a bit better than Christmas at the Palace. It's a film that takes its time with the blooming romance more than the aforementioned. And the way the prince woos her is pretty cool. (One niggling criticism; it always irks me whenever the widowed queen is addressed 'Majesty' as that title should be for the monarch, shouldn't it? The old king is dead and the new one hasn't been crowned yet?)
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In the last post I mentioned Paris Hilton, and I'll admit that she's something of a guilty pleasure. She's matured from a tabloid It Girl heiress to a savvy but down-to-earth and well-mannered young woman who knows the value of her name, and is focused on building her brand. She is every bit the businesswoman that Kim Kardashian only wishes she could be. You have to respect that, although her career is terribly unfocused and she hasn't developed skill to a particularly professional standard in her endeavors, she is a grafter - which is more than could be said for the Kardashian–Jenners. Her sister Nicky is bemused by the fact that she never ever turns down a paycheck. Aside from reality TV, her endeavors in the entertainment industry alone include singing, acting and DJing.
But did you know she starred in a total of fifteen feature-length movies? Over half of these were non-cameo roles: The Hottie & The Nottie Bottoms Up Repo! The Genetic Opera Nine Lives The Dog Who Saved Christmas Vacation House of Wax National Lampoon's Pledge This! The Hillz Are any of them any good? Let's find out! (One thing: Because I have to wait a while for the Pledge This! and The Hillz DVDs to arrive in the mail, this post has to be split in two.) The Hottie & The Nottie (2008) This movie has joined the list of movies Considered The Worst Ever. To me a movie is bad if it is unengaging and without worth. I have seen WAY WORSE films. What we have here is a not-terrible, lighthearted, brainless, and somewhat enjoyably trashy rom-com B-movie. It was after all shot in only 5 weeks with a $9million budget and produced by Paris Hilton Entertainment. The plot is about a guy who obsesses over a girl he knew from school. He romanticizes her as his lifelong destined match, before tracking her down to ask her out on a date. She agrees on the condition that he find a date for her best friend, the "nottie", who has mangled, discolored teeth, unsightly hairs, infected toenails, and bad skin with a facial mole. Joel David Moore does a terrific job as the lead. And Paris' acting isn't distractingly awful; it's just fine, in fact (an improvement over her Bottoms Up performance). It's still not a great movie - but it can be quite funny in places. At worst it's corny and very average; at best it has a little heart and charm. It is definitely nowhere near "one of the worst films of all time". Not even close. 12/20 Bottoms Up (2006) A sort-of okay, marginally amusing Jason Mewes vehicle. Kevin Smith has a large cameo in this. He really proves his ability to act pretty well. (Perhaps he should STOP making movies and get into acting!) Jason Mewes' performance is weak and he is unable to cease his stoner drawl. But his character I'm not sure is explicitly "a stoner" per se (I think he takes one bong hit in the movie and puffs on a joint). If he was meant to be then it doesn't add anything to the story: In short, Owen (Jason Mewes) comes from a friendship group of wasters - including Kevin Smith's character - but he is a bartender with talent and ambition. He therefore seeks his fortune in L.A. and eventually succeeds in his goals. Like the later Paris Hilton vehicle, The Hottie & the Nottie, this was grossly poorly received. Paris' delivery and acting is underdeveloped here, but it is just as "fun" a movie IMO. It's certainly the more glamorous, if you're into the allure of wild L.A. parties, high society and Hollywood hotties. (Or the idea of them at least.) Her acting may have been better in The Hottie & the Nottie, but that also had a more predictable and formulaic story. I think on balance they're more-or-less as good as each other (again, this is still not a great movie). Though Bottoms Up is more interesting I think. 12/20 Repo! The Genetic Opera (2008) This has an interesting premise. Something about organ transplants becoming widespread in the future, and anyone who defaults on their payments has their organs repossessed. Meanwhile the CEO of the megacorporation that provides these transplants (and employs the repo men) is terminally ill so his kids fight over who gets to inherit. This is an actual opera, so perhaps it's a bit more suited to Paris' skill-set. But I will have to discount this entry. She doesn't get very much screentime to warrant being a "main character" per se, I don't think. I mean she technically kinda is, but it doesn't feel like it. However, she can really sing and she rocks out just as much as anyone on the cast. N/A Nine Lives (2002) A group of old university friends meet up to stay in an isolated country mansion in Scotland. They die. Because it's a horror film. To begin with it all feels a bit like The Big Chill. But without the big-name cast. Or the cool soundtrack. Or the decent script. My god this was boring. I'll save myself the tortuous task of reviewing this by convincing myself that, because Paris' character was the first to die, she isn't exactly a "main character". True, she wasn't killed off until a third of the way in, but up until then she was only a 1/9th of the cast anyway (see the title). So no, I don't have to watch the rest of the movie. N/A The Dog Who Saved Christmas Vacation (2010) I had to rent this from Amazon Prime in order to watch it, and I was expecting very little from this film. I was not disappointed. If I had to think of the least appealing film title that could possibly exist in the whole space-time continuum, The Dog Who Saved Christmas Vacation would be it. This is of course assuming that space and time actually are a continuum. (Don't ask me - I'm dumb enough to watch The Dog Who Saved Christmas Vacation.) I do not need to describe the plot to you. Or anything about the movie. You can surmise everything from the title alone. It is what it is, and it’s exactly what you think it is. It’s Look Who’s Talking Now meets Home Alone. It’s a made-for-TV family Christmas movie with talking dogs and a couple of inept thieves with the Idiot-who-knows-nothing paired with Idiot-who-knows-everything dynamic. This ain’t my kind of movie. But I can’t fault it for what it is. I’m not the best person to judge it, but I guess it’s competently made for the intended audience. If I had to make criticisms from a cinematic perspective, I'd say that the ending is a bit unsatisfying and it concludes a little too easily. Which might be acceptable for the kids ... however they’d otherwise surely find the film’s ski lodge setting monotonous and unexciting and dreary. A feast for the eyes this ain’t. Paris voices a poodle in this. 8/20 House of Wax (2005) To be continued ... . As we're all stuck "in detention" in our homes let us take a moment to consider this.
The Bro Using macro-dominant food choices, his lunch would be weighed and measured to the last gram to ensure his intake equals his required caloric baseline. Instead of a can of Coke like the others enjoyed, he'd opt for his prebiotic protein shake made from chia seeds. And in a moment of emotional openness he’d recount how his father would pummel him and yell, “BRO, DO YOU EVEN LIFT!?” The Celebutante Could be a long-lost Kardashian or a protégé of the Hilton dynasty, she wouldn’t get driven to school by her father - rather she’d drive herself in her pink Bentley (with diamante dashboard). Her lunch would consist of activated cashews, avocado on toasted charcoal powder sourdough, and a kale and quinoa smoothie. And she’d eat it through her mechanically pumped-up lips. The Startup Whizz The butt of classroom jokes, he’d make his first million while sitting in detention after his mother (and sister) ordered him to use the time to his advantage. He is uninterested in the considerable number of girlfriends he has in the Niagara Falls area, rather he is more interested in meeting hot Asian singles to become his future wife. The Troll Without any goals or direction in life, he’d spend his plentiful free time mocking others for his own amusement; and the reason he’s in detention is because he live-streamed a prank the authorities deemed went too far. His fondness for red plaid shirts with the sleeves ripped off means he is sometimes mistaken for a hipster, much to his indignation. The Otaku A perceived outcast of mainstream society, she bemoans the parenting skills of the Boomer generation. She had gotten into trouble when she one day ran away to get a tattoo done out-of-state - however this was tinged with tragedy, as she did it to hide self-harm scars. Her appearance is much the same as Allison, but with asymmetric sideswept hair and a Hello Kitty tattoo. Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, The Lockdown Club. In my last-post-but-one I mentioned in passing The Asylum. They are known for cheaply-produced movies written off as knockoffs of whatever the bigger-budget ones being released at around the same time are. The Asylum provide an endless list of similar-themed and/or similar-named movies every year like a production factory. (Although they do produce a smattering of their own original titles.)
To the chagrin of bad movie buffs their CGI has improved massively in the past few years. But what they have consistently done well are intricately planned out plots. ... The storytelling just tends to be utterly convoluted with too many plot beats, or is too linearly paced, the characterization too generic, and the dialogue cheesy and unnatural. They are loved as well as loathed, but definitely more so the latter, and it is often a real challenge just to sit through an Asylum film. I pride myself on my ability to give up on books I don't find engaging. And the opposite with films. So here's a list of Asylum films that kept me watching all the way until the end. Sunday School Musical 18-Year-Old Virgin Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus #1 Cheerleader Camp Nazis at the Center of the Earth Mega Piranha Sex Pot Mega Python vs. Gatoroid Pirates of Treasure Island The Da Vinci Treasure Sunday School Musical I doubt I'd ever see High School Musical any time soon, but I imagine I won't enjoy it as much as its bastard sibling Sunday School Musical. It's very competently made. The pacing is fine. The musical numbers aren't awful. The actors have charisma and get you to root for them. And - from the now-defunct Faith Films division - its religious undertones aren't overdone in any way. Well done, The Asylum. 15/20 18-Year-Old Virgin The Asylum disaster movies are really grueling to watch most of the time. Not merely out of just "badness". They often jump into the action rather than gradually progressing in pacing and intensity. So it's a pity that so much of their output is in that genre. That is why I appreciate it when The Asylum explores other genres. With 18-Year-Old Virgin we have a passable teen romp. It has some genuinely funny moments, and even some heart if you can look past its cheapness. 17/20 Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus This is the sequel to Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. And although it no longer stars Debbie Gibson (though a "battleship" is named in her honor), we have more varied environments; from jungle and savanna, to ocean, to city. Put simply, this is well made. By Asylum standards. The film does a good job of focusing on a few main characters to follow with. There is an Allan Quatermain type character; and Robert Picardo (playing an admiral), as always, exudes a commanding presence. It's well-paced throughout. Just what you need in an action flick. 14.5/20 #1 Cheerleader Camp A brainless adolescent romp, this is raunchier than Fired Up, the movie that this was made in order to capitalize on, though both are as juvenile as each other. #1 Cheerleader Camp just happens to have more tits. Though unashamedly gratuitous, it can be quite funny in places (for The Asylum, at least) if you'll forgive the gags you see coming a mile off. What is most egregious for me in a film is when it is too much of a bore to sit through - which certainly this ain't. 12/20 Nazis at the Center of the Earth This is a film that has to be seen to be believed. 20/20 Mega Piranha Paul Logan is Fitch, the stereotypical man-of-action, although obviously the main selling-point of this movie is the gorgeous Tiffany. Considering that The Asylum's disaster movies are so numerous, here is a scarce example of when they do it well. Tension is built up through masterly choreography and slick editing. Quick cuts, shaky cam, fast-mo, character bio captions, a dramatic score; these all help to create excitement and drama. It really is enough to mitigate the effect of bad CGI. 12/20 Sex Pot A not-wholly-unenjoyable stoner movie, it would be a stretch to call this a mockbuster per se, though it no doubt capitalizes on Pineapple Express and the second Harold & Kumar film, both released the previous year. If anything, this beat the third Harold & Kumar film to the punch being released in 3D. Only marginally less gratuitous than #1 Cheerleader Camp, it has more of a sense of adventure. And a more satisfying resolution. Its gags don't fall flat on their face quite as frequently, and the two lead actors both have a nice, watchable screen charisma. 14.5/20 Mega Python vs. Gatoroid This has BOTH Tiffany and Debbie Gibson! AND THEY FIGHT EACH OTHER!!!!!!!!! 'Nuff said. Unconvincing CGI could be forgiven if at the very least the action is exciting; Mega Python vs. Gatoroid succeeds in this area, and rarely drags - as most of this subgenre of The Asylum's frequently does. Considerably more convincing is the exotic locale of the Everglades, especially having been shot in L.A. Just don't take this film any more seriously than a consciously cheesy B-movie with a smidgen of pop-culture nostalgia thrown in. 16/20 Pirates of Treasure Island Released to cash in on the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie but obviously it's based more on Treasure Island. There are many key differentiators, however: Jim Hawkins is not a boy but a young man (with a love interest); on the island are colossal-sized creatures; and on board the ship there are women. Obviously it's cheap, but cheap doesn't necessarily equal bad. The story moves along at a nice pace. The subject matter of pirates is something always thrilling for all the family. It's got adventure. It's got period costumes. It's got treasure maps, choppy waters, betrayal, swordplay and Lance Henriksen. One thing it isn't, is deadeningly dull. Just try to look past the anachronistic-looking costumes. Captain Smollete's French accent is really offputtingly terrible, however. And for some bizarre reason Long John Silver has an Irish accent - although Lance Henriksen pulls it off impressively well. 11/20 The Da Vinci Treasure If Nazis at the Center of the Earth was better than the sketchy Iron Sky, then another example of an Asylum movie being better than the big-budget movie it was "ripping off" is The Da Vinci Treasure. Its mixture of action-adventure-mystery-thriller is less sombre and portentous than The Da Vinci Code, and all the better for it. It is simple, hi-octane, globetrotting, uncontroversial, scavenger-hunt fun. Lead actor C. Thomas Howell has probably had enough of controversy anyway, ever since he starred in Soul Man. And Lance Henriksen is perfectly cast as the thuggish bad guy. He totally looks the part. 14/20 In the late fifties and early sixties the beatniks were cynically exploited by cinema, often they were positively hostilely depicted. At best they were adorably irresponsible pseudo-intellectual goofs; but at worst, criminal. Murderers. Rapists. Drug pushers. The level of sensationalism is amusing and quaint.
Also quaint are all the beatnik tropes: Poetry readings. Turtlenecks. Berets. Goatees. Jazz. Philosophy. Cigarettes. Leotards. Barefeet. Hipster jive. Coffee-drinking. Bongos. Interpretive dance. African art. Drug use. Black-and-white striped tops. Man, I need to cool it before I send you cats to dullsville, ya dig? If I don't can the lip, daddio, I'd never get to the groovy, far-out flicks I chose for kicks. Ahem, anyway, my top five beatnik films are: 5. The Subterraneans (1960) San Francisco. The city's unforgettable steep hills and cable cars had served as an excuse to shoehorn the action flick Metro around. Though the most memorable thing about that film was probably Eddie Murphy's hair. And that's a good line to take me to the bridge. The Golden Gate Bridge, to be exact. This landmark was the very first thing we see in infamous auteur classic, The Room. Y'know, because the film had to make it clear to the audience that it's set in San Francisco. Even though the setting doesn't have a thing to do with the plot. But I digress, the reason I brought up San Francisco was because it's also the setting for The Subterraneans, where we see the same steep rolling hills as a backdrop to the '50s Beat scene of this colorful, eclectic city. George Peppard plays Leo, a struggling writer who still lives with his mother. One day he visits an underground bohemian cafe patronized by a bunch of crazies and creatives. One of whom is Frenchwoman Mardou - and after spending more and more time with her, he subsequently develops writer's block. What's notable about this movie is that it's based on the novella of the same name by Beat writer Jack Kerouac. The setting had been changed from Greenwich Village, New York; and Mardou had been changed from African-American. The resulting film is lightweight, but charmingly it has the most Hollywood spin out of everything on here. Breakfast at Tiffany's was released a year later, and you can probably tell which of the two George Peppard-starring adaptations of New York novellas was more successful. 4. High School Confidential (1958) This is a really well-made film. It is a rare example of a film from the period that doesn't condescend to teenagers, and deals with drug use sensitively. I mean, apart from the fact that it suggests that weed (grass, reefers, Mary Jane) leads to "H" (horse, junk) and goofballs(?). Tony Baker is ostensibly a tough high school student. Newly enrolled, he has a Bad Attitude, and sees himself as the new president of the wheelers and dealers. Apparently in this school is a drug ring that specializes in pre-rolled reefers at $1 each. He strikes up friendships with a couple other "weed-heads" in school, though he irks the head honcho J.I. and his cronies. Oh, and one of J.I.'s cronies sports a flat-top and is called ... Flat Top (I mean it's really comical, he's like a parody character that you'd expect to see from BTTF or something). We discover that Tony is an undercover cop, and the aunt he's living with is no more his relative than James Dean was a teenager in Rebel Without a Cause. It doesn't have lots of tropes, just live jazz in a coffee club, the donning of striped black-and-white tops, drug-use, and (an excellent) poetry recital. But Tony is a real joy to watch as the movie sets in and we see him "settling in" at school. He's very James Dean-esque (there's even a drag race at some point). Quotes: Commissioner Burroughs: "In most of the reefers a double thickness of paper is used. Now in the language the addicts use among themselves, marijuana is referred to as Mary Jane, pot, weed or tea. They never say to each other, 'Let’s smoke a marijuana cigarette.' They say, 'Let’s turn on.' or 'Let’s blast a joint.'" Poet: "My old man was a bread stasher all his life. He never got fat. He wound up with a used car, a seventeen-inch screen, and arthritis. Tomorrow is a drag, man, tomorrow is a king-size bust. They cried, 'Put down pot. Don’t think a lot.' For what? Time, how much, and what to do with it. Sleep, man, and you might wake up diggin’ the whole human race, Givin’ itself three days to get out. Tomorrow is a drag, pops, the future is a flake." Joan: "You sure you don’t want to turn on?" Tony: "No. With me it's strictly business. Y'know I knew a boy once that gave himself a little fix, and he dropped dead. Just like that. Man, you won’t ever catch me fooling around with that hard stuff." Joan: "One look at Doris, and I’m convinced to stay with reefers." 3. The Rebel Set (1959) The random opening scene doesn't seem to have anything to do with the plot. But once the titles kick in we then get an excellent track shot of the film's beatnik-patronized dingy underground coffeehouse - and there's another one later on. Once the film gets going it evolves into a crime caper: Out-of-work actor Johnny is given an opportunity to earn lots of money on a job by coffeehouse owner Mr. Tucker. The job is not on-the-level, however - and what's worse, Johnny's long-suffering wife innocently insists on coming along. Others involved include a struggling writer (who brings his typewriter along) and the hapless son of a movie star. And so they all embark on a cross-country train journey for a prize of $200,000 apiece. What I like about this film is the main character's fifties rockabilly short-sleeved shirt and slick black hair. And there's lots of the beatnik tropes. 2. The Bloody Brood (1959) Long before he donned the dirty mac, Peter Falk starred as Nico in this Canuck picture. In fact it was his second ever film. The premise is pretty silly: After philosophizing murder as a work of art, Nico feeds a telegram messenger-boy a hamburger filled with ground glass "for kicks", egged on by his partner-in-crime, TV director Francis. It kills(?) him, and his older brother investigates his death due to the slow progress made by the police. If there's any film that deserves the "beatsploitation" label, it's this. The Digs, an underground jazz bar, is depicted as a seedy and shady place. However the film does include all the tropes. A great many of them anyway. And terrific party scenes, and amusing characters. 1. A Bucket of Blood (1959) I bloody love this film. It stars Dick Miller, who you may recognize from the Gremlins movies (among other things), as a slow-witted busboy who yearns to be an artist like the customers of the cafe where he works. He buys some clay and sets to work on achieving his aim. He soon does, whenceforth he is welcomed with open arms by newfound friends - the very people he had so admired and glamorized from afar. It features a really good poem (now this is a huge thing for me to say, as I can't stand poetry), delivered very eloquently by the character of Maxwell H. Brock. In fact, everything the character Brock says is eloquent. The film has a comedic-toned style. Darkly comic. Sympathetic characters. And some lovely dialogue. It may be on the short side, but I like its economy. Short but sweet. (A fairly good remake was made in 1995 starring Anthony Michael Hall known also under the name of The Death Artist. It follows the plot pretty closely, but it's still very ... '90s. Like, visually.) Quotes: Maxwell H. Brock: "Life is an obscure hobo bumming a ride on the omnibus of Art. Burn gas, buggies, and whip your sour cream of circumstance and hope, and go ahead and sleep your bloody heads off." Will: "Have some breakfast, man." Walter Paisley: "What're ya having?" Maxwell H. Brock: "Some soy and wheat germ pancakes, organic guava nectar, calcium lactate and tomato juice, and garbanzo omelettes sprinkled with smoked yeast. Join us?" Walter Paisley: "No thanks ... . Sounds great, though." Worthy mentions: Beat Girl (1960) A distinctively British take on the beatnik scene, this film co-stars teen idol Adam Faith. Though jazz is mentioned, it's definitely a more rock-and-roll vibe. In fact, not many of the beatnik tropes are included (apart from an underground venue, coffee-drinking, nihilism, and heavy use of the lingo). Such slang is rather evident in the following quote: Paul: "Where do you get your kicks from? Sitting around in cafés, listening to gramophone records? Jiving in underground cellars and caves?" Jennifer: "You are a real square, aren't you?" Paul: "This language, these words - what does it mean?" Jennifer: "It means us! Something that's ours. We didn't get it from our parents. We can express ourselves, and they don't know what we're talking about! It makes us different!" Paul: "Why do you need to feel so different?" Jennifer: "It's all we've got. Next week, voom - up goes the world in smoke, and what's the score? Zero. So now, while it's now, we'll live it up! Do everything. Feel everything. Strictly for kicks!" Plotwise, we have rebellious teen Jennifer living with her well-off, successful father, Paul. She frequents The Off Beat, a cafe in Soho patronized by other disaffected youths. But when her stepmother moves in, Jennifer is unwelcoming and openly hostile towards her. The Beat Generation (1959) This movie begins with a laughable dialogue awkwardly peppered with as much beatnik lingo as possible in the most affected way, delivered with slight self-consciousness: Meg: "I wish I didn't have to make the scene with that plane tonight. I wish I never had to go back East. I wish, I wish ... ." Hess: "Hey hey, play it cool chick, like play it like cool. You got to go, everybody's got to move. I mean we can't stand still and wait for the next mushroom cloud now, you dig?" Meg: "Crazy. But as soon as I cut out, you'll forget me." Hess: "Oh Meg you're the most, but there's no tomorrow, not while the sky grooves radiation gumdrops, man. You got to live for kicks. Right here and now, that's all there is." Meg: "You know in all the months I've known you, you never even held my hand." Hess: "The love and marriage bit, I put that down. That's for the rat race and the squares, Schopenhauer says. And I agree with him, lovers are traitors who seek to perpetuate the whole want and drudgery of life. That cat Schopenhauer also says that this world which is so real with all its sunsets and Milky Ways is nothing." Meg: "It's the only world we got." Hess: "Crazy." Meg: "Maybe we'll meet again some day and you'll read your gone poetry*, and your far-out philosophy. And maybe we'll have kicks to end all kicks." *Gone = jazz slang, 'hip', 'with-it'. "He's a real gone cat." The jazz club environment doesn't get a huge amount of screentime, despite Louis Armstrong making a cameo. But there is a nice (but short) poetry reading. The main congregation of beatniks arrive late in the movie in a beachside den and are depicted as dopey comedic foils, but provide some musical relief. This is a crime drama first and foremost, and an exploitation movie second, being openly disdainful of beatniks as unsavories. (That Hess character whose lines you just read, turns out to be a serial rapist.) It's still an entertaining film, though. In my last post I mentioned Hallmark Christmas movies. Now, as with anime, I'm not an addict of them or anything, but perhaps a voyeur. Bear in mind, there are hundreds. They can't ALL be worth watching?
No of course they ain't. But I've watched ... enough, and, like a box of Quality Streets, too much sweet stuff can make you sick. The Hallmark Channel ethos is all about sentimentality (which can be done well or be done badly) and quantity over quality. But there's gotta be a few gems in that assortment. If you look hard enough. So, as we're stuck in lockdown at our homes with only our families for company, let's pretend it's the Christmas season. Don't spend too long outside - or you'll catch flu! I recommend the following as ones particularly worth watching: Crown for Christmas A Christmas Detour A Very Merry Mix-Up Family for Christmas A Royal Christmas And an honorable mention to the A Christmas Prince trilogy. A Christmas Prince is fucking brilliant. Fucking. Brilliant. Here Netflix have out-Hallmarked Hallmark. Crown for Christmas Under the urging of her siblings, recently-fired hotel maid Allie becomes employed as governess for the daughter of King Maximillian of Winshire, a small sovereign nation near Luxembourg. The typically bratty Princess Theodora soon bonds with Allie. Meanwhile Maximillian, emotionally cold since he became widowed, is betrothed to the beautiful Countess Celia under pressure from Chancellor Riggs. Princess Theodora, however, thinks that Allie would be a better match. Crown for Christmas is well-presented, well-paced, and well-acted. Danica McKellar of The Wonder Years has become somewhat of a Hallmark stalwart (bit of a tongue-twister!) in recent years. She also starred in the The Asylum-produced Love At The Christmas Table (also starring Lea Thompson) for the Lifetime network. She's an absolute charm and delight to watch. She oozes appeal even in the face of corny lines. But there is also some really lovely dialogue here. A Christmas Detour Meet Paige. She's a writer for Radiant Bride magazine who is off to get married herself. She dreams about her perfect wedding in New York to her well-off fiance, yet dreads meeting his parents. A snowstorm forces her plane to stop in Buffalo, where the airline offers her a hotel room. Cruel fate! Her room adjoins the one allocated to the irritating man who sat next to her on the plane. This doesn't feel overly corny or half-assed. It has witty dialogue. Charm. And if your eyes tear up, I won't blame you. It doesn't mean you need counseling or anything. One petty criticism I'd make is that when the main characters arrive at the O Tannenbaum Inn, the prop snow on their clothes looks really bad. Like, it's distracting. It's really obviously fake snow to the eye, all piled up on their heads and shoulders, just sitting there not melting. A Very Merry Mix-Up A pretty antique store owner is traveling alone to her fiancé's home town to meet her future in-laws. The airline loses her luggage and another passenger spills coffee on her. He then offers to get her a new blouse and drive her to where she wants to go. The two determine that, by coincidence, he is her fiancé's brother - before he crashes the car while distracted. While she tries to contact Will Mitchum, her fiancé, his parents arrive, where she informs them that she and Will are engaged. And so she then spends Christmas with the Mitchums. But with a title of A Very Merry Mix-Up, you know something's gonna happen! It does go overkill with the whole Christmas aspect. However the main character loving Christmas traditions was necessary for the plot, so I'm nitpicking really. As Hallmark movies go, this is one of the better ones. It's well-acted. The characters are not so one-dimensional. And Alicia Witt is very beautiful. Family for Christmas One morning, Hannah, a high-flying career woman, wakes up in a strange home in the suburbs married to her high school boyfriend with two kids. After driving into the city to find nobody at her workplace recognizing her, she returns to her new home where she struggles to adjust. We discover that apparently a mysterious figure had granted her a subconscious Christmas wish. Yeah yeah, you can say the premise is too much like Nic Cage flick The Family Man, but wasn't that derivative of Peggy Sue Got Married and A Christmas Carol and Sliding Doors? Nothing's truly original. In any case, I found myself enraptured and spellbound. Hallmark flicks can oftentimes be clumsy and not leaving you rooting or caring for the protagonist. So a good job is done here (as with all the other ones on this list). Praise is especially warranted for making Hannah believably age 10 years from the introductory flashback scene to the current day. A Royal Christmas Emily's loving relationship is tested when one day her boyfriend reveals that he is Prince Leopold of Cordinia, a small sovereign state south of France. She agrees to spend Christmas in Cordinia where she meets the monarch, Her Majesty Queen Isadora, who does not approve of the American girl stealing the heart of the prince - especially as she wants him to marry the duchess, Natasha. The queen's sarcastic quips and backhanded comments make Emily feel unwelcome at the castle, though she manages to get on well with the butlers and housemaids ... a pity she gets them fired for making a hoagie during the Christmas ball! This is a real feel-good movie; there are ups, downs, and of course, horrendous lines. With the Hallmark Channel it is all about volume; and when your genre options are so narrow, there are few surprises, and it ends up being the same themes rehashed over again. That is why I love the ones that involve royals. What can be more extravagant and magical than waltzing princes and princesses? Quotes: Queen Isadora: "The tea ... is tepid." Prince Leopold: "You don't even know her." Queen Isadora: "I don't need to. She's a commoner." Prince Leopold: "Actually, she's the most uncommon girl I've ever known." Natasha: "Where's Emily?" Queen Isadora: "Perhaps she couldn't fit in her dress." Natasha: "Fitting in does seem to be a problem for her." Let me start off with a memory. I remember growing up in the 90s there used to be Heartbreak High immediately followed by Sweet Valley High in the TV schedule. Heartbreak High was your main meal. Substantial, heavy, meaty, your gritty drama. This was followed by your dessert, Sweet Valley High. Frivolous, shallow, light - but sweetly diverting. The Australians served you up a 45 minute kangaroo steak from the barbie, before the Americans treated you to a 20-odd minute slice of apple pie. Enough with the food metaphors; suffice it to say, I still have a soft spot for both those shows.
Like most people I've dabbled a little in anime. It really is an impossible task to wade through it all though, there is so much. So. This was an experiment. The plan was to arbitrarily find 10 high school anime series from basic, cursory searching, then watch an episode of each, and then rate it and write my thoughts. I imposed the following 3 caveats: -The 10 anime series in question must be within a high school setting/be mainly about high school students. -They must be available to watch on YouTube. -I must watch the first episode (possibly more if I need/want to). However I found that after watching them all, half of them only loosely fit the description in the first caveat. For example the characters may have been of high school age but too little of the action occurred within a school. In Itazura Na Kiss the characters graduate already in the 7th episode. Nonetheless I've decided to keep them in this post - but with [Disputed] next to them. In no particular order (although it's roughly reverse-chronological): 1. [Disputed] Denpa Kyoushi: He Is A Ultimate Teacher. First aired: 2015. The English name is Ultimate Otaku Teacher, which is not only apt, but suffices as a log line for the series. The Japanese title Denpa Kyoushi translates literally to "Electromagnetic-wave Teacher", though figuratively 'denpa' means somebody who feels disconnected from the real world and the people around them. The one thing that stops this being overly conventional and unnoteworthy is its meta nature. The titular protagonist is an otaku and you can expect this to be an anime about anime. This does not appeal to me. It may have intended to be creative, but (call me cynical) to me it feels rather gimmicky. There isn't a huge amount of depth here. It's as if the creator thought 'Setting + characters + stories = series' but without the setting nor the characters being particularly interesting. There are real, structured plots here - but a series cannot survive on plot alone. By zeroing in on such recurring topics as anime and manga, social networking, phones, blogging, computer games and all that jazz, the series neglects to say anything substantial about teen issues or even human nature; instead we watch a protagonist who is a precocious mega-genius and a dropout become a schoolteacher. As twists go, it's pretty trite. (I find Japan's fixation on super geniuses trapped in youthful bodies just a bit gratuitous anyway.) It isn't cripplingly dull, but still it's not very engaging - not to me anyway. The premise must have sounded stronger on paper than it was in execution. Its humor does not translate very well either. Visually, it's nice and colorful. I rate it: 9/20 2. Hori-san to Miyamura-kun. First aired: 2012. This is more explicitly "highschool drama" and consequently it is more what I'm looking for. In addition the humor is not as cheesy and unsophisticated as Denpa Kyoushi's was. The title translates to Hori & Miyamura (the two main characters). Hori plays an Andie Walsh (of Pretty In Pink) to Miyamura's Duckie. Hori is overworked outside of school, in particular looking after her little brother and taking care of things at home. Miyamura is a dorkish outcast at school. Yet the two have a strong platonic friendship. There are a few differences (from Pretty In Pink) in the dynamic though: - The relationship between the two friends is more co-dependent. And [spoiler alert] a romance gradually builds between the two. - Outside of school Miyamura dresses hip and cool which transforms his self-esteem and confidence as it appears to others. (While Duckie did have his own sense of style, it was not admired by others either in school or out.) - Andie Walsh, though not unpopular, was more plain and overlooked in school than Hori is (although to be fair both Blane and Steff had their eyes set on her). Whereas Hori is quite popular and has her own circle of friends. Anyway, enough about Pretty In Pink! The story does feel a tad slow to develop, however I must remember that there are only 4 episodes in the whole thing. Consequently the story arc can be interpreted to be more like a film than an episodic series. 14/20 3. [Disputed] Lovely Complex. First aired: 2007. I immediately found this much more engaging. It's more explicitly comedic, and the comedy is on-point and fast-paced. Quick cuts, expressive animation, and sound effects are used expertly to provide amusement ... this is my favorite so far. The basic premise is a romantic comedy about a tall girl and a short boy who overcame their mutual antagonism and become friends (and rivals) due largely to their individually-felt height complexes. Over summer school they help each other out chasing the targets of their affections. Perhaps I can conclude already that the more romantic-orientated of these anime are more my cup of tea? Still, it's relatively early days in this experiment. 17.5/20 4. [Disputed] Strawberry 100%. First aired: 2005. Strawberry 100% (or Ichigo 100%) is pretty well done. It's much like Lovely Complex, though maybe not as in-your-face with its funniness. And its story arc has more of a journey and sense of purpose. Basically the protagonist is chasing after a girl he had once physically bumped into, who was wearing strawberry-adorned panties at the time. He aspires to be a filmmaker, and becomes friends with a shy, nerdy bespectacled girl who aspires to be a writer. Other girls enter his life further on in the series, and the comedy value lies in the conflicts between these rivals for his time and attention. Oh, and one more thing, the end theme (which borrows a few bars from the Vengaboys) is by the lovely Hinoi Team - you should go check them out! 16.5/20 5. School Days. First aired: 2007. This one's pretty cute. I don't mean visually, I mean its premise. It's superficially similar to Strawberry 100% except it's less light and breezy, more slower paced, evocative of a melodramatic soap opera. The humor is not lacking, however, lying often in the haplessness of the male protagonist contrasting with the lively personality of his interfering female friend. At first it appears to follow the same 'boy falls in love with girl, second girl helps boy to attain her, eventually boy realizes second girl's the one for him' formula, but the story arc [spoiler alert] does take a dark turn towards the end (admittedly I only know this from reading episode synopsis). What's interesting about School Days is that instead of starting out as a manga like everything else on here, it had started off as a visual novel (or, interactive game). The original game subverted the highschool romance genre somewhat, which carried through to this quirky anime adaptation (funny how things come full circle). 15/20 6. Ouran High School Host Club. First aired: 2006. If you're not aware of Japan's host clubs, basically they're a place where female clientele pay to be attended to by a gentleman host of their choosing. This anime is about a host club set up in a prestigious private school by some of its students (obviously less seedy than the real-world counterpart). The protagonist is a scholarship student, new to the school, who broke an expensive vase and has to work in the host club in order to pay for the damage. Once you get over the novelty of the premise, is there really much all there? Well yes, I certainly think so. The stories are interesting and engaging. The characters are amusing. Exorbitant schmaltziness is both satirized and to be taken at value. If you like Hallmark Christmas movies then this might be right up your alley. The theme of effeminate masculinity is played for laughs, as is the dichotomy between the modest background of the protagonist and those of the spoiled, rich privileged kids that surround. We observe teenage girls' mushy, gushy addiction for romance through the lens of the protagonist, who is disdainful of basically everyone. Including a pair of incestuous twin brothers, and any girl who faints with ecstasy upon seeing them act gay towards each other. So we have a 'sane protagonist in an insane world' type scenario. Like Father Ted I suppose. 18/20 7. Cromartie High School. First aired: 2003. This is a strange one. Episodes are short at about ten minutes each, and each episode seems to be based around a single joke. I understand it's meant to be a parody of a certain subgenre of a certain period - either way I really don't care for it. Its surreal sense of humor wears thin. It relies too heavily on absurdity and whimsical storytelling. The setting is a high school for delinquents, though there appears never to be any teachers around. That's all I have to say about this series. 7/20 8. [Disputed] Itazura Na Kiss. First aired: 2008. I absolutely loved this one. It's very POV-driven, we are very much experiencing things through the protagonist's eyes as events unfold around her. Fantasy sequences are common, and shown in an soft-focus lens which very effectively conveys her daydreamy proclivities. Basically the protagonist is trying to win the heart of her crush who is apparently out of her league. He is aloof and continually rebuffs her, often becoming irritated by her mere presence. Circumstances force them to live under the same roof and she becomes much adored by his parents in his family home. As is common with other anime, big facial expressions and SFX are used to convey moments of shock, horror, embarrassment and so on; but here it feels particularly subjective to the protagonist as we follow her journey. Harshly employed, they are emphasized and exaggerated (as is the speech) in order to convey feeling. This anime is one that very definitely favors subtitling over dubbing - the cadences are very expressive even if you don't understand the language. Pathos is delivered with artfulness, rather than as a matter of course. Much of the humor lies in when the worst thing that possibly can happen to the protagonist does happen. This happens a lot. In her trying to win over her crush, he in return says and does assholey things to her, and much of the comedy is in the contrast between the coldness of his attitude, words and apathetic expression, with the patent, profuse, gushing feelings that she has for him. There's real heart and charm here, I really like it. 19/20 9. [Disputed] Kodocha. First aired: 1996. The full name is Kodomo no Omocha, which translates to 'Child's Toy'. It's about a bubbly, cheerful girl who is a child actress, which she balances with going to school. But this series shouldn't really be part of this experiment, as it is about elementary school instead of high school (it shifts to middle school after 51 episodes). I can't really say much about this series, as my issue with it is that it's a little infantile for teen audiences - which I obviously can't criticize it for if it was actually intended for a younger audience. 8/20 10. High School! Kimengumi. First aired: 1985. The Japanese name is Haisukuru! Kimengumi, which translates to 'High School! Funny-face Club'. It's set in a junior high (and later, a high school), but was very clearly intended for younger audiences. Everything is based around high jinks, with too little sense of beginning-middle-end. The action is chaotic and I found it a real slog to get through. It's really hard to follow what's going. But apparently there's a club for funny-faced people at this school. But again I feel I shouldn't be too critical, as it's for a younger audience than its setting suggest. One thing it has going for it, I really love the '80s rock opening titles song. 4/20 Analysis of the results Top 3 (all): 1. Itazura Na Kiss [19/20] 2. Ouran High School Host Club [18/20] 3. Lovely Complex [17.5/20] Still recommended: 4. Strawberry 100% [16.5/20] Top 3 (stricter-defined selection): 1. Ouran High School Host Club [18/20] 2. School Days [15/20] 3. Hori-san to Miyamura-kun [14/20] (Over)Analysis Comparing the average and median scores for each decade, it seems that overall my favorite (most highly rated) shows came from 2000 to 2009. It appears that the only decade that offers much of a fight is the 2010s. Really though, more data is needed particularly a larger sample from the '80s and '90s. I of course am not going to bother to do this. I'm sure there's some terrific shows from those decades, but as mentioned at the start, my selection was only from a very cursory googling. And the whole idea of this wasn't terribly well thought-out, evolving just from an impulse I had one day out of boredom. I've barely scratched the surface, and there are others online who can do a much more exhaustive job, and provide more detailed synopsises than I am able to. For example: https://www.thecinemaholic.com/high-school-anime/ https://www.cbr.com/10-best-high-school-anime-ranked/ https://www.quora.com/Whats-a-good-high-school-anime |
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February 2023
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